APRIL FOOLS’: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fools’ edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting. This is not true.
After over a century of confusion, Hopkins has listened to public appeal and officially embraced its oft-called misnomer. Welcome to the new John Hopkins University.
On Tuesday, March 11, a focus group of students attended a pre-release in the Glass Pavilion, during which new logo designs, merchandise and signage were revealed. The University was met with mixed opinions on this long coming change.
Many were shocked, but grateful. During a series of anonymous interviews, one freshman expressed her euphoria to The News-Letter.
“Finally! No one ever gets it right! I’m sick and tired of explaining the extra ‘s,” she said. “At my high school graduation party, I had to tell my grandma, and then my uncle, and then my teachers, and then my friend’s dad and then my grandma again. I felt like such an ass.”
Others are less optimistic.
“This rename feels an awful lot like giving up,” said a senior, speaking to The News-Letter wearing her outdated “Johns Hopkins University” merchandise. “I’ve spent so much money on this stuff. And look at how dumb it looks with the ‘s’ striked through,” she said.
She proceeded to show The News-Letter her branded mug with a sticker placed over the “s” of the former “Johns,” as well as her hat and hoodie with the “s” scribbled over in Sharpie.
COURTESY OF THE COAC
Example merchandise.
Chair of the Conformity Over Accuracy Committee (COAC) Peep L. Pleeser has gone on record to announce that this rename is only the start of the major changes that COAC plans to enact. Soon, the letter “s” will be removed from the University entirely.
“We don’t believe in sibilance,” the Pleeser wrote in an email to The News-Letter. “Students will be referred to as ‘the learner community.’ All will be restricted to speaking in the singular. The COAC is presently assembling a think tank from the learner community to decide on how to remedy the “s” in “University.”
“We are gearing toward a full rebrand to ‘John Hopkin’ in 2028,” Pleeser told our reporters, “But we are optimistic that we will complete this project by the year 2050.”
To make pronunciation as easy as possible, the COAC is looking to incorporate foreign language phonemes — such as the silent “h,” as is commonly found in Romance languages. The COAC is also considering replacing “John” with its French alternative (Jean) every July for French-American Heritage Month.
COURTESY OF THE COAC
Eventually, Johns Hopkins University will be renamed John Hopkin University, with decisions about the final “s” still pending.
The phonetic transcription for John Hopkin, which aims to be official by the year 3000, will be ʤɑn opkin. The COAC has provided a link as reference for correct pronunciation as well as pictures for future logos and merchandise.
The committee is not interested in public opinion.
