APRIL FOOLS’: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fools’ edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
Because if you weren’t procrastinating, you wouldn’t be reading this right now.
1. The Golden Rule: If it’s not due today, it’s not due.
Homework due tomorrow? That means you still have time. Midterm next week? That’s a problem for Future You. The trick is to push every assignment to the absolute last minute so you can enjoy a full-blown panic attack when the clock hits 11:58 p.m.
2. The Brody Bubble: The ultimate den of unproductivity
There are two types of people at Brody Learning Commons:
- People who get work done.
- People who claim they’re getting work done while actually just staring at their screens, playing Brawl Stars, strolling through TikTok or watching cute cat videos.
You are the latter, and that’s okay. Set up your laptop by the big glass windows, nod thoughtfully at your blank document and then proceed to do absolutely nothing for four hours. Maybe even book a group study room under the illusion that peer pressure will keep you productive, only to end up debating which Shrek movie is the best (it’s Shrek 2, obviously).
By the time you leave, you’ve written exactly one sentence, gained extensive knowledge of raccoon TikTok and somehow acquired a Starbucks cup that isn’t even yours. Success? Not exactly. But at least you looked busy.
3. The N. Charles street stroll: A necessary distraction
Why start that paper when you can take a spontaneous little walk? You know, to clear your head.
Start at Kajiken, because nothing says “I’m about to be productive” like slurping down a bowl of ramen you definitely don’t need. Wander past Insomnia Cookies — oh look, they’re open till 3 a.m.! A cookie (or six) will surely fuel my brain for studying.
Consider making a stop at 7-Eleven for a mystery energy drink (you don't even check the caffeine content anymore — it's a gamble, just like your GPA). Maybe also grab some Taquitos because why not?
And just like that, you’ve successfully wasted 45 minutes. But hey, exercise is important.
4. Levering Cafe: The perfect place to look busy
Here’s what you do: Grab a coffee, open your laptop and type exactly three words. Then, spend the next hour people-watching and pretending to be deep in thought. Bonus points if you wear a sweater and occasionally sigh while staring dramatically out the window.
But wait — why stop there? The pool table is staring right at you. One quick game, you tell yourself. Three hours later, you’re holding a pool stick like a medieval knight wielding a lance, declaring yourself Lord of Levering while your untouched laptop gathers dust.
5. Hopkins Cafe: The hunger games
Maybe food will help. You roll into Hopkins Cafe at 7 p.m. thinking you’ve got time. Wrong. The food is gone, the lights are dimming and all that’s left is a chicken breast so dry it legally qualifies as sandpaper.
Need a fork? That’s cute. You’ll circle the utensils station like a lost soul, only to accept your fate: spaghetti with a spoon. Or worse: your hands.
And don’t even try asking staff for help. “Excuse me, do you have more forks?” will be met with a glare so cold it makes the ice machine jealous.
Welcome to Hopkins Cafe.
6. The “power nap” that becomes an eight-hour sleep cycle
You tell yourself: Just ten minutes. Just a quick recharge. You set an alarm, snuggle into your blanket like a burrito and, BAM — it’s 4 a.m. Your laptop is still open to the Canvas page, your problem set remains untouched and you’ve transcended into another dimension where time no longer exists.
At this point, you have two options:
- Pull an all-nighter and attempt to speedrun an entire assignment in 30 minutes.
- Accept defeat, roll over and pretend the assignment never existed. (What problem set? Never heard of it.)
Either way, you wake up later feeling like you got hit by a truck and somehow still need another nap.
7. The false productivity trap
Convince yourself that you are being productive by doing tasks that have absolutely nothing to do with your actual assignments.
- Organize your desktop files? Check.
- Rename all your Google Docs to sound more official? Check.
- Make a color-coded study schedule that you will never follow? Check.
- Watch Khan Academy videos that aren’t even related to your major? Check.
8. The pre-deadline adrenaline rush
Nothing is more powerful than the sheer terror of a Canvas submission deadline. At precisely 11:37 p.m., your brain shifts into survival mode, your typing speed triples and somehow, miraculously, you produce a semi-coherent essay that might (but probably won’t) get you a B-.
Submit at 11:59 p.m. with seconds to spare. Victory.
9. The post-procrastination recovery process
Once the panic has subsided, it’s time to recover.
Take a long, dramatic sigh, reflect on your life choices and swear that you’ll never procrastinate again. (Spoiler: You will.) Then, reward yourself with a nap, a snack or a quick existential crisis on the Beach.
Good luck out there. You’re going to need it.
