APRIL FOOLS’: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fools’ edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting. This is not true.
Editor’s Note: This is a developing story and will be updated as more information becomes available.
On Tuesday, April 1, the University announced that the official opening date of the Milton S. Eisenhower Library (MSE) has been pushed back to May 1, 2032. The decision was announced by Constructor-in-Chief Bob D’Bilder in an email broadcasted to the Hopkins community.
“At the Center for Campus Innovation and Development (CID), we have been working dedicatedly, pondering tirelessly and striving relentlessly to answer the impossible: When will MSE open?” D’Bilder described. “We still don’t know for sure, but we are performing manifestation rituals to be done by 2032.”
After CID (pronounced “kid”) received backlash following this announcement, President Ronald J. Daniels and D’Bilder organized an emergency press conference, where they fielded questions from the Hopkins community.
During the conference, the Student Government Association (SGA) President Rock Dream asked about the possibility of a 0.01% tuition reduction. Dream punctuated the unfairness of Hopkins students paying for a library that they won’t even be able to use and reminded the administration that the University agreed to reduce tuition during the COVID-19 lockdown.
D’Bilder and Daniels had to take a 15-minute-long break after hearing this question as they couldn’t stop rolling on the floor laughing.
“We cannot believe that Hopkins students would think this is even a possibility,” Daniels stated. “What we are asking is not hard. Be charitable and considerate; pay your tuition so that the Class of 2036 can have a decent library.”
Sophomore Nopath Ways questioned if the University was planning to work on accessibility on campus by creating alternative transport methods, which prompted Daniels to provide a sneak peak into the University’s future construction projects.
“CID is planning to install a highway, connecting the Bloomberg Center for Physics and Astronomy to Mason Hall,” Daniels answered. “When it’s completed, this will improve the Blue Jay Shuttle transportation route. The Freshman, Keyser and Decker Quads will be closed starting this summer until construction is done, and once it is completed, we will become number one in campus accessibility.”
Upon finishing his sentence, Daniels realized that this meant Wyman Quad would be left free from construction. In order to protect the students who attend classes in Shaffer Hall, Maryland Hall and Shriver Hall from jealousy, he promised to brainstorm what can be built there. The News-Letter received information from sources close to Daniels that he’s considering utilizing the space in Wyman Quad to build a tribute to the hard-working construction workers.
When senior Gimi Libry asked about the reason for the late opening date, D’Bilder elaborated on the busy daily schedules of the construction workers.
“They start working at 6:30 a.m. to make sure the residents of Wolman Hall and Scott-Bates Commons are awake for their 10 a.m. classes,” D’Bilder highlighted. “This is essential to us as we have to ensure our students are too exhausted to complain about the ongoing construction projects.”
The announcement regarding the official opening for MSE created excitement among prospective Hopkins students. In an Instagram direct message to The News-Letter, an 11-year-old named Fewcher Blu Jae, who described himself as an incoming member of the Class of 2036, expressed his excitement about the library opening.
“I cannot wait to read in our illuminated, decompressed, flexible, universally designed and sustainable library after an exhausting day,” Jae expressed. “I really hope that they’ll have a copy of Jake Paul’s You Gotta Want It on their shelves.”
Despite concerns regarding the present situation, the University is dedicated to keep investing in the future. Since the University is expecting a peak in complaints, Daniels announced that a feedback mechanism specialized to construction concerns, named Development Guidance & Assessment Framework (DGAF), will be launched for the Hopkins community to effectively communicate their concerns and receive expedited action.
