When I look back at child-me, it’s easy to see what has changed. I’ve gotten taller, older and less clumsy (arguably). My hobbies have shifted from playing with Barbies and American Girl Dolls to reading, watching movies and exploring new restaurants. I’m not as picky of an eater anymore and have expanded my palette to different cuisines and foods I would’ve previously shunned. I no longer live in Ohio with my parents, but rather, six hours away by car. I’m not scared of flights and traveling alone. Even though it is not my favorite, I feel comfortable speaking to a room full of people.
It is true that all of this has changed. It hasn’t always been a linear growth or evolution and sometimes I still feel like I haven’t moved, but the brushstrokes are present if you look close enough. But, the older I get, the more I am also struck by how much of my life has been spent trying to get back to who I was as a child, when I was able to express myself unbridled by society and my own fears.
As a child, I would best describe myself as energetic, happy and chatty. I had boundless energy and enjoyed my interests (at the time, watching Scooby Doo and reading The Magic Tree House) completely. I loved to talk to new people and make friends, and I was confident in myself.
In middle school and high school, that changed: Those hallmark self-esteem issues of the teenage years made their mark. I spent a lot of time worrying about whether I would fit in or get good grades. Entering into new social settings made me stressed out and as high school progressed into college, my hobbies and interests dimmed with the intensity of school and volunteering and applications.
Now, at 22, that has changed. I’m not infallibly confident by any stretch, but I feel settled into who I am as a person, proud of my accomplishments and optimistic about my future growth. Maybe it’s just the frontal lobe developing as I veer toward 25 (seriously, when did that happen?), but I am secure in who I am and what I am capable of to an extent now that middle school me couldn’t imagine.
I can’t help but wonder if my confidence now is because I’ve finally made Hopkins and my life at college feel like a “home” and a comfortable space for me. While I’m sure having put down roots in Baltimore through friends and communities is a part of it, I can’t help but feel like it is also me on a deeper level who has changed and not just from acclimating to my surroundings.
Some things have also changed hues and tones, but remain the same color as they used to be. I still talk to my parents and sister everyday as if I was still living at home in Ohio with them, except it is by phone or FaceTime instead of in person. My four best friends from third grade are still four of my closest friends now and our friendship hasn’t wavered. Instead of living next door and bike riding to the park, we now live across the country and visit each other in our respective cities.
Your early 20s and specifically, post-grad years are arguably the time in your life when the most is changing: the places you are living, the jobs you have, the friends you have and your life experiences are in constant and unpredictable flux. In this time of uncertainty, I find immense comfort in the traces of my childhood and younger me that persist, like my love for reading, my curiosity and my happiness with the small pleasures in life.
With college winding down and graduation nearing, I’ve especially been reflecting on all the ways I have grown throughout my time at Hopkins and the ways I still have yet to. We can all learn about ourselves from how we have grown and how we want to, but there’s also something very comforting about looking at what has stayed the same and how that past makes up the “you” of today.
I am still the same person I was then. Even though I feel different, I’m still the same me, and there is something so rewarding about looking in the mirror and being able to simultaneously see the growth in yourself, and also the traces of your past that linger like an old friend.
Samhi Boppana is from Columbus, Ohio. She is an Editor-in-Chief for The News-Letter.
