APRIL FOOLS’: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fools’ edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting. This is not true.
In a recent email to the student community, President Ronald J. Daniels announced that alumnus Michael Bloomberg officially rescinded his $1 billion donation, initially designed to alleviate the financial burden of tuition and make the medical school tuition-free for most students. The news has left medical students in disbelief, scrambling to reassess their financial futures, and, in some cases, cancel their weekend brunch plans.
Daniels stated that Bloomberg’s decision stemmed from a less-than-cordial altercation with medical students outside the campus. Witnesses report that Bloomberg, on a routine visit to check on his investment, was horrified to encounter a group of medical students indulging in pineapple-topped pizza while gleefully discussing how their tuition savings finally allowed them to afford “real food.” Sources close to the situation claim that Bloomberg, a well-documented New York-style pizza purist, was deeply offended, as evident by his 85-decibel gasp and subsequent fainting to the ground.
In a public statement, Bloomberg expressed his disappointment in an X post.
“I was happy to support these students until I realized they both lacked gratitude and basic taste in cuisine,” he fumed. “They don’t deserve free tuition.”
Medical students, many of whom had already mentally allocated their nonexistent tuition payments to luxury goods like name-brand cereal and non-instant ramen, were left in utter despair. In an interview with The News-Letter, medical student Dee Pression voiced his frustration.
“We really thought we were set for life, but, now, I have to start budgeting for an annual $100,000 bill? As if medical school wasn’t hard enough,” Pression stated.
While some students hold out hope that Bloomberg will change his mind, others have already begun drafting transfer applications to New York University Grossman School of Medicine (NYU), where tuition is still free — for now. In an interview with The News-Letter, medical student Anna Tomy shared her future plans.
“It’s been a tough few days,” Tomy admitted. “I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t get into NYU, but at least I can take comfort in knowing that, no matter where I go, I will still be drowning in debt.”
The medical school not only lost Bloomberg’s donation but also suffered significant financial setbacks from research funding cuts. Dr. Theodore DeWeese, dean of the School of Medicine, outlined the school’s future plans to financially support itself.
“We are appalled by Mr. Bloomberg’s disrespectful actions and comments. Combined with funding losses from research cuts, we are going to have to start raising donations through GoFundMe and daily bake sales to sustain the institution,” DeWeese stated.
Meanwhile, University officials are beginning to implement emergency cost-cutting measures. Early proposals include converting the medical library into a rentable event space for college parties and concerts, replacing cadavers in anatomy labs with life-sized mannequins from the campus bookstore, and instituting a new “Bring Your Own Scrubs” policy to reduce hospital expenses.
At the time of publication, Bloomberg has yet to respond to the University’s pleas for reconsideration. However, an anonymous source close to him revealed that he is currently exploring a new philanthropic venture: ensuring that no medical school anywhere is ever tuition-free again.
