APRIL FOOLS’: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fools’ edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting. This is not true.
On Monday, March 31, President Ronald J. Daniels announced that bathroom maintenance will be discontinued from all the Alumni Memorial Residences (AMRs). This announcement covers AMR 1, 2 and 3, and will affect the first-year students immediately.
According to the email, all maintenance of pipes will be halted until further notice. Clogged pipes will have to be managed by the students and the toilets now contain universal pink plungers in every bathroom meant to be shared between stalls. In addition, for clogged shower drains, students now have the responsibility to manually unscrew the caps to pull out substances after bathing.
Daniels shared the reasoning behind the decision.
“It’s honestly for the best,” he wrote. “The AMRs have degenerated. It doesn’t make sense for their buildings to have such good upkeep when, quite frankly, nobody wants to live there. With all the construction happening on-campus, it’s the perfect time to begin deconstructing everything!”
Following this announcement, students have deemed the AMRs as “Housing Worse than McCoy,” a designation that has left the unlucky rising sophomores grateful for their future accomodation.
This decision has resulted in uproar from students; spray-painted across the Blue Jay statue is “AMRs are a CRAP-HOLE,” toilet paper has riddled the freshman quad and broken eggs have left residue across the brick paths.
In an email to The News-Letter, incoming freshman Nyu Stoodn’t expressed her disappointment.
“Honestly, the whole reason why I came here was for the AMRs,” she wrote. “I wanted the freshman year experience — an intimate relationship between my peers. Now, I think that we might be just a little too intimate (I would like to not have to look at my classmates’ bodily waste).”
In contrast, rising sophomore Toy Lottie has expressed his excitement at the announcement in an interview with The News-Letter.
“It’s on them for being freshmen — you know? I suffered through the AMRs, and now I’m suffering with a roommate in McCoy,” he said. “It’s a canon event, and I really think that all the freshmen need this character development.”
When pushed further about accommodations for the year after and his opinions on how to improve second-year housing, Lottie outlined his idea for the students.
“I think we should put the worst behaving ones in Rogers House,” he stated. “They can turn it into a fraternity house — tear it up, Lord of the Flies style! Maybe one of the pre-meds can do a social experiment and use it for their CV. Oh my god... Stanford Prison Experiment 2.0 — I’m a fucking genius.”
Daniels has reassured students that this is not negligence but, rather, an innovative new initiative called “Self-Sufficiency and Suffering: A Learning Experience.” According to him, this policy will “instill real-world skills” in freshmen, ensuring they graduate with both a degree and a working knowledge of amateur plumbing.
The Office of Residential Life has also proposed a series of “independent study” courses to help students adapt. Tentative course offerings include “AS.420.69. Plunge Like a Pro: A hands-on experience in advanced toilet management,” “AS.101.13. The Art of Shower Water Redirection: A study on guiding water away from mold colonies” and “AS.666.00. Introduction to Biohazardous Waste.” The final course is a collaboration with the School of Public Health.
Additionally, in an effort to support students, Hopkins has launched a new work-study opportunity available on SMILE: AMR Plumbing Intern. Students in this program will receive a 5% discount at the Daily Grind for every five drains they unclog.
Despite the backlash, some students are finding ways to profit from the situation. Sophomore Economics major and Business minor Kyle “Big Pipes” Henderson has launched a new startup: Blue Jay Drain Solutions. For just five dining dollars per service, Kyle and his team will come to your bathroom with a plunger and some emotional support. His business pitch is “Better than the AMRs, but only slightly.”
As for the University’s next steps, Daniels hinted at an even bolder move for 2026: eliminating running water entirely. In his vision, Hopkins will become the first “fully dry” campus — not for alcohol, but for all plumbing-related services.
“We are preparing our students for the future,” he said in an interview with The News-Letter. “A future where showering is optional and suffering is mandatory.”
For now, freshmen are left to contemplate their fate and determine whether this is all just an elaborate joke or if the AMRs have reached their final form, a lawless wasteland where only the strongest (or dirtiest) survive.
Stay tuned for further updates.
