Writing my Voices column has been really therapeutic for me. It’s surprising, because I’m someone who has tried and failed to get into journaling for her whole life, which I’m sure is not a unique experience. But I’m also someone who has been drawn to books and reading and writing for her whole life, so I guess I just had to find a form of journaling that works for me.
I’m surprised that this Voices column exists, because I’m not a very vulnerable person. My friends and family can attest to this. I’ve gotten better at talking about my feelings over the years, but I still don’t share what really, truly upsets me. At times, I can seem quite confident, and I do think I have gotten more confident throughout university, but, as with everyone, there’s stuff. Some of this is stuff that’s been on my mind for years and is so deeply a part of who I am.
Last year, I served as co-Editor-in-Chief for The News-Letter, and editing pieces for the Voices section was one of my favorite responsibilities. I was in awe of how people could share so much of themselves with strangers on the internet (I know we are all Hopkins students but, theoretically, anyone could be reading). It was something I so wanted for myself, but I didn’t have the time. Alas!
This year, I’m a co-Magazine Editor, and while I absolutely love producing our magazines, I was initially worried that The News-Letter wouldn’t remain a regular part of my life. The paper has been a part of my university experience since day one, and I didn’t know, or want to find out, what senior year would look like without it.
So, all this to say, during the summer, when I was writing my article for The Cover-Letter, I found myself reflecting instead of offering advice. Before I knew it, I’d written an entire article focused on my own personal growth, structured in a way that would definitely not work for The Cover-Letter. I decided to message our Voices editor, Buse Koldaş, and submit that article for the Voices section instead.
Since then, I’ve felt a call to continue writing in the same style. Like I mentioned earlier, the classic form of journaling doesn’t work for me. But, this works. I’m not frustrated by the lack of punctuation and grammar that comes alongside fitting your emotions onto 1 page in 5 minutes; I’m not scrambling to make sure that the 3 things I’m grateful for daily are different; I’m not even forced to write daily when I have nothing to write about.
This column solves all the problems I’d never been able to identify before. I thrive off of structure, so the fact that this is a personal essay, rather than a vague diary entry, scratches the perfectionist itch in my brain. Each piece serves a purpose, tells a story; I write when I have a topic in mind — something I want to explore within myself. I’ve found it really freeing to dispose of both free journaling and complex prompts, meeting myself somewhere in the middle.
An advantage of all of this is that I’m able to document my feelings at this pivotal moment of my life. After this year, I’m never going to be an undergraduate again. And these past four years have been some of my favorites so far. I’m happy that future-me will have the opportunity to look back on this column and remember what I felt, how I grew.
To go back to vulnerability for a moment, although some of my articles have now been published, there are a few more that I don’t want to publish. Yes, some of them are half-formed thoughts instead of complete ideas — but, others I’m proud of. The issue is that they’re on the stuff that I mentioned earlier.
And while I find it easier to write about scary stuff than to talk about it, publishing articles for the whole world to read requires a lot of strength and vulnerability. Sometimes, the barrier of a laptop screen is enough for me to want others to read my words, but other times, it’s not. Regardless, writing articles on that stuff, even if it never gets published, helps me work through it myself.
This form of journaling makes me really happy for lots of reasons — I’m able to voice my gratitude when I truly feel it, I’m able to unscramble my scrambled thoughts, and I even get to feel connected to The News-Letter and its readers. And, it’s honestly just a lot of fun, too.
Yana Mulani is a senior from Dubai, U.A.E. majoring in Economics, English and International Studies. Her column discusses how her past intertwines with her present as she navigates a period of growth and discovery. She is a Magazine Editor and a previous Editor-in-Chief for The News-Letter.
