Some disjointed thoughts on the fear of graduation

As the end of my college experience draws closer, I’m forced to think about what comes next. And what does come next? I, for one, have no idea. I’m doing all the right things (I think): applying to jobs, reaching out to alumni, leveraging my experiences, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But it’s really scary to leave academia. 

Most of us have been students for as long as we can remember. And while it’s certainly not been easy, it’s a somewhat direct path. For me, that looked like kindergarten to primary school to secondary school to sixth form to university. Yes, there were decisions to make in between, entrance exams to take and subjects to pick from, but it was still academia — a few choices, big ones, but ultimately not that many, not that different of a life. 

I had one job: to be a student. And this kind of thinking always weirds me out a little. Whenever I fill out forms that require me to state my occupation, I write “student.” It’s true — I am a student — but isn’t it a bit bizarre that my entire almost-22 years on this planet can be summed up by one word? Outside of academia, in the “real world,” it’s rare to find professionals with that much experience in one specific field.

Thinking a bit morbidly, what do I have to show for my 22 years? All I am is an “Experienced Student.” Everyone’s going to tell me that that’s not true, that I’ve achieved so much, that, above all, I’m a good person — and, okay, thank you — but that’s just not very helpful. When you boil it down, all I know is how to be a student — and I’ve gotten pretty good at it over the years, too. 

Being a student is such a core part of my identity — even more so over the past 4 years than before. It’s how I’ve experienced living in the U.S., it’s what differentiates me from the “grown-ups” at internships and it’s what sums up nearly all the goals and aspirations I’ve had so far. 

“Student” is written on a bright red label that hovers over my head wherever I go. 

I felt the same way when I left my teenage years. Teenagehood is almost a scapegoat — I could partly blame any mess-ups on being inexperienced in life, which often helped me be kinder to myself. But I’m no longer a teenager: I’m a young adult, who’s about to no longer be a student. 

I think I’m scared to leave studenthood because it’s my last link to childhood, to some kind of an innocence about how the world works. Confronting graduation means confronting my place in the real world, which I’ve somewhat ignored until now. I’m scared that my life outside of academia is going to be stagnant and gray. I’ve only just figured out how college works, and I’m having fun, and now I need to figure out the real world. 

I know what I want out of my life. I guess I’m just putting a lot of pressure on myself to have it all achieved the moment I graduate. But there’s no one telling me what to do, there’s no guarantee and there’s a whole lot of giving up control, which I’m not very good at. 

Young adulthood is a really special time. It’s something that chews you up and spits you right back out, and you’re left to pick up the pieces. It sometimes feels like I can’t breathe, like I’m hiking up a mountain where the air’s too thin, and no matter how much my lungs try to expand, I can’t get enough oxygen.

I’m afraid of it, but I know I need to go through it to get to where I want to be. I need to graduate from childhood, teenagehood and studenthood; I can’t just snap my fingers, skip the important phases and end up at the top of that mountain with sunshine and roses.

I’ve found the phrase “Do it scared” to be really helpful. The path to my dream life isn’t always going to be linear, but I won’t let fear stop me. I can be scared and still live that path, that life. 

So, young adulthood is an opportunity. Yes, it’ll screw me over, but hopefully I’ll come out the other end having learnt something, having found new ways to identify myself. And, in the meantime, I’ll try to breathe deeper. 

Yana Mulani is a senior from Dubai, U.A.E. majoring in Economics, English and International Studies. Her column discusses how her past intertwines with her present as she navigates a period of growth and discovery. She is a Magazine Editor and a previous Editor-in-Chief for The News-Letter.