Learning to accept that I’m ever-changing

One thing I never predicted when I started at Hopkins is how much I would change throughout my time here. It sounds silly because “of course college changes you.” Yes, I am more independent. Yes, I am more disciplined. Yes, I trust myself more (and also not at all). So, it’s obvious: College changed me. 

But the change that I’m surprised by is in the little things. I read more now. But reading is not a new passion I’ve developed — it’s a love I’ve come back to. I didn’t read in my late teens. I thought I had too much schoolwork. At Hopkins, I arguably have even more schoolwork and even more extracurricular work. And yet, I read more. I’ve learned that I don’t just read because I love it; I read because it’s familiar, it’s calming, it’s a part of me that I need to cling to, to remember, in the fast-paced environment of university.

Hopkins is fun and exciting and drives you (and it’s big and loud and scary), and in some ways, I’m more of a child than ever before. I feel young and new to the world. I suppose that’s a side effect of being in my 20s. I’m a newborn adult, and I’ve come to a point where I doubt my self-perception. However clever I thought I was in my teens, however much I thought I knew about myself, a lot of it is being challenged. And a lot of it is turning out to be false. 

I’m 21, and for the first time in my life, I’ve become a runner. I should clarify that I’m currently working toward a five-kilometer race, so I’m nowhere near professional runner status. But I’m enjoying it. Whoever would’ve thought that I would voluntarily run?

Running was always a chore — something that I had to do to pass P.E. During my junior year at Hopkins, I decided to give it a try, just once. All my friends were running, and everyone on TikTok was running. I didn’t vow that I’d run every day or even that I’d run again tomorrow. I’d just run today, just once.

And something clicked. For the first time, I enjoyed the treadmill; I enjoyed seeing how far and how fast I could push myself; I enjoyed having a clear mind focused only on the pounding of my feet. I’d run almost every week from the ages of 12-18, and I’d hated every moment of it. At 20, in the gym of my apartment building, next to my best friends, something clicked. 

Most likely, once my time at Hopkins is up and I move on to whatever fate has in store for me, I’ll change once more. Everything I thought I knew about myself will change, and I’ll risk being wrong again. Maybe I’ll go back to the tennis I enjoyed as a pre-teen, or maybe I’ll try another sport. Maybe I’ll hate that sport and vow to never play it again. And maybe one day, I’ll go back on that, too, and find a new joy in a sport I once despised.

At the risk of sounding cheesy, I’ve learned that life is full of changes. Not just the predictable ones — changing jobs, moving houses, kids, maybe — but the ones you never saw coming, too. I’m going to change a lot, and it’s going to be in ways that shake me to my core. My fundamental values are going to be challenged, and I’m going to have to make some big decisions that may dictate the rest of my life. 

I’m a self-proclaimed control freak, and admitting that I don’t know and can’t control everything, or anything, about my future is fucking scary. But for now, I can enjoy reading and running. When the future comes, I’ll probably run away from it and then be forced to turn around and greet it with somewhat open arms. Maybe I’ll hate the change while it’s happening and then reflect in surprise at how much this fits, how much more “me” I turned out to be.

I’ve had a lot of time to think over the summer, and I’ve realized that at every stage of my life, I thought that I knew everything there is to know about myself. And, at every stage, I’ve been wrong. I’ll probably continue this pattern moving forward, but I hope that I can come back to this article to remind me that the only thing I know is that I really know nothing. And it’s okay to be scared of that. 

Who will I be in 10 years time? 20? 30? 50? Perhaps the core of me will stay the same, or perhaps not. While I’m trying new things and retrying old ones, I’ll strive to welcome change with acceptance and continue to believe that what’s meant for me will be. But who knows, maybe this belief will change, too.

Yana Mulani is a senior from Dubai, U.A.E., majoring in Economics, English and International Studies. Her column discusses how her past intertwines with her present as she navigates a period of growth and discovery. She is a Magazine Editor and a previous Editor-in-Chief for The News-Letter.