As I enter my third year at Hopkins, I sit here reminiscing about the array of clubs, classes and experiential opportunities on campus that I have tried to find belonging in. I reminisce about the weeks leading up, eager and enthusiastic to prove my worth as a first generation student. Among my many high expectations of success, embracing my own individuality and persevering through life's challenges were not a part of those in my original equation.
While I had envisioned the highlights of my young adulthood as being a time filled with social gatherings, the reality of my new transition led me to become more introverted than I could have ever anticipated. Rather than embracing the new perspectives that were added to my life, I sat alone and hid at the furthest level of Brody. Instead of tackling my fear of small talk, I let my anxiety drive me to the most isolated paths to class. I spent my time during lecture plotting the ways in which I could blend myself among crowds or altogether avoid the thought of seeing people I knew on campus.
In my strategy of avoidance, I let my social anxiety become a greater issue than what it initially was. Each day that I gave in to it, I was missing out on the opportunity to join the study groups, meals and events that I had once eagerly looked forward to doing with others. By distancing myself, I started to lose sight of who I was despite spending all my time alone. Before I knew it, I let months drag by, and in front of me laid move-out boxes waiting to be packed, along with a chapter of life that I felt greatly unsatisfied with leaving behind. In truth, my days alone had become a precursor of depression.
My battle with depression became a fight on its own. But with much help and encouragement, I slowly learned to stop shying away from the idea of being vulnerable and instead found great meaning in using it as a source of connection. I had to let go of having such high expectations and let myself simply be. In my means of avoidance, I had shielded myself from being able to see the people that were there all along. Being vulnerable helped me to see those that continued to show up with unconditional support and patience. By being vulnerable, I realized I didn’t have to search so hard to find my place. By being vulnerable, I had already found the people and places that gave me belonging.
Depression is a lonely battle, but you do not have to fight it alone. Asking for help is not a weakness. In fact, accepting help takes commendable strength. It is okay to accept help until you find your own strength again. Find strength in vulnerability. And when you do, “rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances” (1 Thessalonians 5:16).
Life was not meant to be lived alone. Instead of finding a place, embrace who you are and never forget you are more than just a person, place or thing.
This piece is dedicated to Dr. Jamie Young, Hope Fisher, Jessica Mott and all the incredible people that have taught me life’s greatest lesson. Thank you for being my greatest cheerleaders.
Anne Li is a junior from Brooklyn, N.Y. majoring in Neuroscience. She is the Social Media Manager for The News-Letter.
Mental Health Services can be reached at (410) 516-8278 on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 8:30 a.m.–6 p.m. (closed 12–1 p.m.) as well as Wednesdays from 1–6 p.m. Please leave a message during the 12–1 p.m. hour or press 1 to reach the on-call counselor.
If you or someone you know is experiencing a crisis, contact the Behavioral Health Crisis Support Team at (410) 516-WELL (9355) to speak with a crisis support clinician.
Student Outreach and Support is available for appointments by calling (410) 516-7857 or scheduling through their website.
Religious and Spiritual Life can be reached at (410) 516-1880 from 8:30 a.m.–5 p.m. from Monday through Friday.
A Place to Talk peer listening group is available Sunday through Thursday, 7 p.m.–1 a.m. in Brody Learning Commons 4010 and 7–11 p.m. in AMR I.
The TalkNow virtual counseling service is available through timelycare.com/jhu.
Students who live in residence halls may contact their Resident Advisor or Residence Director or stop by a Residential Life office. Residential Life can be contacted by phone on (410) 516-8283 or by email to residentiallife@jhu.edu.
Additional health and well-being resources provided by the University can be found on the well-being website.
