APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
Last night, an official announcement shared on the most trustworthy campus resource, Sidechat, caused a shockwave through the Hopkins community. The announcement, receiving a record number of upvotes, stated that the Hopkins Seven will henceforth be known as the Hopkins Ten, effective Monday, April 1.
Senior Rock Hard expressed his disappointment in an interview with The News-Letter.
“I— I worked… so hard… to fin — finish in all seven locations. It took me three years: five girlfriends, three friends with benefits, two casual hookups. I worked SO HARD. Now, they took it all away… with a single post. How is this fair?” Hard said, breaking into sobs.
Hopkins students who had finished the challenge and had been flexing about it ever since were understandably frustrated with the news. However, many others welcomed the new locations with excitement. The first new location attracted the most attention: the Milton S. Eisenhower Library construction area.
“Bro, I don’t think this was what she meant by, ‘I like it dirty and sweaty.’ But like a challenge is a challenge, you know,” Alpha Omega, the current president of Sigma Pi Pi, said. “So I guess we gotta do it but like it’s gonna be hard, lowkey.”
Another recent addition to the list was the rooftop of the Ralph S. O'Connor Recreation Center. This came as no surprise to the 300 Hopkins students who are sexually active. Statistics show that the number of used condoms found on the rooftop increased by 245% in 2023.
“Now cardio at the Rec Center has a different meaning,” sophomore bodybuilder Jim Broh said, smirking and rubbing his hands together mischievously. However, when Broh was informed by Rec Center staff that he wouldn’t be allowed to have sex on the treadmills, he expressed disappointment, completing 10 calf raises and 20 lunges woefully.
The last addition to the Hopkins Ten, an attempt to create a sense of community bonding between campuses, was the George Peabody Library, which was endorsed by Fred Bronstein, the Dean of the Peabody Institute.
“These kids were driving me crazy. All they do is listen to Lana Del Rey or The Weeknd or some other horny, melancholic music and cry in the piano rooms. This will encourage them to have some fun,” Bronstein stated.
According to the students who are enrolled in a double degree program at the Peabody Institute, the original Hopkins Seven locations were “quite problematic” and “discriminative” as they are all on the Homewood Campus.
“Those Homewood kids think they are better than us and they always try to ostracize us. This will no longer be the case,” freshman Peeya Neest, a professional nyckelharpa and didgeridoo player, said.
To celebrate the addition of these campus locations to the list, the Anti-Virginity Club — founded in 2021 to protest the Virginity Club — organized a gathering. They hosted three student speakers and Mitt Romney, who wasn’t even invited, yet insisted on making some remarks. Romney stated that he couldn’t wait for his commencement speech.
“Thank you, the hoes and bops of Johns Hopkins University. You’ve made today possible,” Romney said. “Do whatever and whoever you want as long as it’s not gay.”
The most competitive players of the Hopkins Seven have already started working hard to complete the full challenge, according to Spotify statistics. Spotify headquarters in Washington, D.C. are still trying to understand why so many users from Baltimore, Md. are creating public playlists featuring popular sex songs from Two Feet and Chase Atlantic.
If you’re planning to participate, we advise you to be quick as your rivals are already getting (a)head. If you’re abstaining from the challenge, we advise you to stay away from these three locations for the next few weeks.
