APRIL FOOLS’: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fools’ edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
The Student Government Association (SGA) held its weekly general body meeting on March 28 to discuss a proposal to recruit more attractive students, an executive order to limit spring break Cancun Instagram posts and choices for more relevant spring fair performers.
Recruitment of attractive students
Senior Class President Betty Butterface presented a proposal for the University to take into account attractiveness when recruiting students for the Class of 2028.
- The University arguably has a significant lack of attractive students when compared to competitor Ivy League institutions populated by legacy students whose parents have also generously contributed small, million-dollar donations.
- Due to the lack of attractive individuals, the University risks facing a potential fall from its coveted seventh position on the U.S. News National Universities ranking.
- Junior Class Senator Itty Bitty voiced that according to recent polls, the lack of attractive people on campus has caused a significant decrease in student well-being.
- Sophomore Class Senator Patrick Starking stated that comparatively, as an institution, there is an alarming absence of celebrity alumni that current students can brag about.
- Secretary Lilly Lonesome agreed with Bitty, as the inability to form crushes on other students has reportedly driven multiple students to resort to forming crushes on the school mascot, Jay the Blue Jay.
- Starking doubled down on Lonesome’s claims, stating she was indeed one of these students who has been struggling with “keeping it in her pants” around Jay the Blue Jay.
Limits on spring break Cancun posts on social media
Sophomore Class President Harry Homebody proposed an executive order to establish limitations on the number of spring break Cancun Instagram posts per student.
- A disproportionate number of students flew to Cancun, Mexico for spring break in order to simply see the rest of the student population also in Cancun.
- As a result, every single Instagram post for the week of spring break was a variation of the exact same beach bikini post.
- Lonesome noted the incredible difficulty of scrolling through her feed without feeling a massive amount of fear of missing out (FOMO.)
- Homebody concurred, stating that his FOMO sent him into a spiral of depression throughout the spring break, as he was stuck with his parents at his childhood home in Mansfield, Ohio.
- Lonesome proposed adding a week of break for those who did not go to Cancun over the break in order for this marginalized population to receive the true, uninterrupted rest they deserve.
- Freshman Class Senator Ima Nobody suggested limiting the number of people who can attend the same spring break vacation spot via Facebook fraternity invite lists.
Selection of relevant Spring Fair performers
- After the embarrassment of last year’s Spring Fair performance, the student body has been relentlessly begging for a relevant performer who can show up on time.
- Sophomore Class Senator Todd Toadstool highlighted how embarrassing it was to bring up Meek Mill in conversations when neighboring institution Towson University had both Rico Nasty and Flo Milli at their week-long Tigerfest.
- Freshman Class Senator Judd Jugular criticized the University for letting him believe Spring Fair was actually a “lit time,” citing the tour guides’ exaggerated enthusiasm when talking about this event.
- Toadstool presented a list of potential attainable spring break performers who are still low-key relevant but will most likely show up on time. There were a whopping three people on the list: Hailey Bieber (performing a medley of Selena Gomez songs), Bella Poarch and Jacob Sartorius.
