APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
Freshman and self-proclaimed furry Azure Fowler was kicked out of Charles Commons on Wednesday after being found in a lounge area making love to a Jay the Blue Jay sex doll. Witnesses report that Fowler was completely naked except for his mask and that he wouldn’t stop shouting, “Wear a mask please!”
The lovebirds were dragged into a Blue Jay Shuttle by campus security, which of course only turned Fowler on further. After the driver refused to play the Mental Notes’ parody of “WAP,” Fowler threw himself out of the shuttle à la Lady Bird and ran back to campus, avoiding imprisonment in isolation housing — bestiality is a virus — at the Inn at The Colonnade.
Fowler is currently residing (with his sex doll) in the basement of Ames Hall in the controversial barn owl lab, where he works as a research assistant. In an interview with The News-Letter, he described owls as “the next best thing” after blue jays.
According to Fowler, his passion for birds emerged while watching Big Bird on Sesame Street as a toddler.
“He’s so tall and handsome as hell,” he cooed.
When he was 9, he visited the aviary at The Bronx Zoo; he recalls being “overwhelmed with rapture.” Since then, he memorized the names and calls of over 200 species of birds in the Northeast, aspiring to one day become an ornithologist.
He chose to attend Hopkins not only because of its renowned Behavioral Biology program but because of its realistic mascot.
“Jay has been so chromatically and anatomically accurate since he was queer-eyed two years ago,” Fowler said. “What kind of pervert would give him teeth or,” he winked, “feathers in his lower extremities?”
This past year, Fowler’s purely scientific interest in birds became a sexual desire due to loneliness caused by the pandemic.
“Birdwatching was my outlet during quarantine,” he said. “But soon I wanted more.”
Upon moving to Baltimore at the beginning of the spring semester, he discovered JHNeedsU signs around campus, with Jay displayed in a seductive “Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls” pose. He quickly fell in love.
“JHNeeds...Me,” he said.
He began stealing the signs and decorating his room with them. Eventually, he asked a friend majoring in Biomedical Engineering to build him a replica doll of Jay the Blue Jay.
Our mascot was officially given the name of Jay in November 2013 in an attempt to foster school spirit.
Fowler said that Jay is the only thing that has brought him a sliver of happiness at this godforsaken institution. Accordingly, the Student Government Association is drafting a bill that would require Counseling Center staff to take a vow of silence and wear the Blue Jay costume on a daily basis.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) denounced Fowler’s existence in a statement to The News-Letter. However, SGA Executive Vice President Ima Doolittle disagreed with PETA’s stance, arguing that Fowler is uniquely capable of fostering community at Hopkins.
“He has more school spirit than most of us. Sure, he’s literally sicker than your average student,” she said, “but maybe in some ways, he’s less fucked up the rest of us.”
