APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
Former University President Ronald J. Daniels announced the creation of the Democratic People’s Republic of Johns Hopkins (DPRJH), over which he will assume Supreme Leadership, at a somber assembly at the Beach on Monday evening.
Before the assembly, many expected another surprise food-truck party like the one that accompanied the student center announcement. Instead, they found a nearly empty Beach. A single golden podium stood over the grass.
Supreme Leader Daniels arrived at exactly 7:00 p.m. in a blacked-out SUV, accompanied by several men wearing jet black suits and sunglasses. As he stepped up to the podium, a drizzle began to fall from the grey clouds overhead.
“We gather here today to celebrate the creation of a Johns Hopkins with a growing endowment, strong overseas partnerships with peer institutions and citizens who never speak out of line or protest my decisions,” Supreme Leader Daniels said. “I am also excited to announce the creation of the Johns Hopkins People’s Army, a strong military force that will keep our Blue Jays safe and our borders united.”
As Supreme Leader Daniels flashed two peace signs over his head, five low-flying jets roared over the Beach, leaving streaks of Hopkins blue in the sky. The sounds of the jets were slowly replaced with unified stomping and drumlines as the celebratory military parade grew closer.
At the front of the parade marched our former blue jay mascot, who is now known as General Jay. Ten Blue Jay Battalions — military units in full tactical gear — marched behind him, one for every year Supreme Leader Daniels served as president. Each private was equipped with handcuffs, pepper spray, a fully automatic rifle, and a brown paper bag — for “analytical purposes.” To maintain anonymity, each officer wore a mask bearing the face of Michael Bloomberg, one of Supreme Leader Daniels’ closest economic allies.
Supreme Leader Daniels suggested in his speech that he would use his newly declared power to accomplish his long-rumored goal of bringing all of Baltimore under Hopkins’ control. While DPRJH has yet to confirm the exact size of the People’s Army, the force presented at the parade dwarfed the 2,500 officers at the Baltimore Police Department.
President of Students for a Democratic Society (SDS), Marl Karx, expressed her dissatisfaction with the private military police force following the demonstration.
“What the fuck? Is this allowed?” she said, opening her official statement. “What the fuck? Is that allowed?”
Karx also questioned the accuracy of the portraits of Supreme Leader Daniels that were paraded between each Blue Jay Battalion. The portraits included a simple face shot, a shot of Supreme Leader Daniels excelling in an engineering course, and a rather poorly edited picture of Supreme Leader Daniels’ face photoshopped onto Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s body.
Tyler, the creator of these paraded portraits, defended his actions in an interview with The News-Letter.
“Look, I had no choice,” he claimed. “I’m just a public health major, and I don’t even know how to use Photoshop. General Jay just stormed into my room one day and told me that if I didn’t make those pictures, they would indefinitely detain me in AMR I.”
A spokesperson for DPRJH confirmed that officers will in fact have the authority to detain and imprison Hopkins affiliates. Plans to transform AMR I into a permanent holding cell will commence during the summer, after which the building will be renamed Hotel Baltimore. Supreme Leader Daniels assured students that, in the case of an arrest, they would be guaranteed the rights and due process outlined in the new University constitution.
The News-Letter has thus far not been able to attain a copy of this constitution. Multiple requests have been sent to administration, but such requests have only returned a single sheet of blank printer paper.
While the show of force concerned many students, others were confident in Supreme Leader Daniels’ newfound power. Pepe Williams, founder and sole member of the Hopkins 4chan Association, saw this extension of the University’s power as a means to protect traditional Hopkins values.
“I don’t know what all these cosmopolitan soy boys are complain about. Supreme Leader Daniels doesn’t play by the rules. He’s not worried about being PC, and I like that,” Williamson commented in a heated argument stemming from a Facebook post on the Hopkins meme page, now known as Supreme Leader Daniels’ Memes for the Eternal Glory of our Thriving and Bountiful Hopes and Dreams.
“This is the only way to protect against the ongoing invasion of Hopkins-hating pleb,” he went on to add. “We need to protect the future of our graduating classes, and the only way we can do that is by keeping non-Hopkins affiliates out. This campus-suicide has to stop.”
Before The News-Letter was able to interview more students at the assembly, Supreme Leader Daniels announced the creation of a University-run press network called Hopkins Under Big Brother, or the HUB for short.
General Jay then escorted our reporters out of the event, and informed The News-Letter that the paper would no longer be allowed to cover University events due to what they called the paper’s “intentional sowing of anti-Hopkins sentiment.” Since DPRJH is now a global diplomatic power, The News-Letter is currently battling this decision in the International Court of Justice in The Hague.
