APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
The Board of Trustees announced that there will be a special election on campus in 2020 on Monday at 1:45 p.m. The one contested position: that of University President.
Current University President Ronald J. Daniels has been asked to step down for the time. As of last Monday, Daniels is considered the interim president, until a decisive election takes place. He has been president since 2009.
The News-Letter spoke to one of the Deans of Something Or Other about the decision to hold the election.
“We felt that the time was right to hold this election,” Dean Dude Over 40 said. “There’s so many Deans at this school, we get bored once in a while and want to shake things up. Plus, it gives the Board of Trustees something to do for the first time in a few years.”
For about 10 and a half seconds after the announcement, it seemed that Daniels would be the only candidate. But it seems that it simply took that long for the news to reach Michael Bloomberg in New York. Bloomberg is an esteemed Hopkins alum, best known for speculating about running for president and then deciding against it even though people really really really want him to. He also is a bit of a wealthy man, according to some sources.
Bloomberg’s campaign was up and running, with a logo licensed and his lawyers trademarking his every word, at 1:46 pm. Daniels, who was busy checking which parts of the Mattin Center would cause the most traffic jams if they were bulldozed first, was unable to start designing campaign materials until 1:47 p.m.
Bloomberg officially announced his campaign run in a meeting at the Hopkins Club on Tuesday. He gave a three-minute speech detailing the reasons for his candidacy. Bloomberg also touched on the reasons that he felt he was a more fit president for the University than Daniels.
“The guy’s Canadian,” Bloomberg said to open his speech. “According to his Wikipedia page, which exists for some reason, Daniels is either 59 or 60 years old. His Biography exclusively tells of his ‘Leadership at Johns Hopkins University,’ which is the first section, and of his life ‘Prior to Johns Hopkins University,’ which is the second section.”
Bloomberg concluded his speech with a special thank-you gift for all attendees. Those who concluded their dinners were ecstatic to find what guest Malti Bore called “The best damn present I’ve ever received.” Underneath the crab cakes (which had been spiced with Old Bay crab seasoning) were brand-new “I Love NY” t-shirts. Wrapped tightly inside each t-shirt was the guest’s total amount of student loans, paid to them in a tight wad of cash.
“It’s brilliant,” Bore said. “I love this guy. He’s the best. Big fan. Will vote.”
When asked if he has ever voted in a Hopkins election before, Bore, a super senior, hesitated before responding.
“I mean, I guess?” he answered slowly, sounding unsure. “Like, there was just an election a few months ago, right? I think Esgee Aye was the winner. Pretty sure they’re the SGA Executive President now.”
The election will be moderated by the Committee on Student Elections (CSE). In a departure from previous methods of choosing the University President, students will be allowed to vote. The announcement was revealed in an email from the Hub. As no one reads it, most students didn’t realize that they had some voting power for once until the University placed strategic seesaws across the Beach, spelling out the news.
Daniels gave an opening campaign speech as well, on Wednesday evening. Its attendees were a stark contrast to Bloomberg’s audience, which was made up of Board of Trustees members and students who no longer have to repay their student loans. Daniels, by contrast, invited everyone on all Hopkins campuses and throughout the Baltimore community. However, the event was advertised in Daily Announcements, and only four individuals showed up (none of whom are part of the Hopkins community or from Baltimore).
“Guys, come on,” Daniels said in his 10 minute campaign speech. “This is ridiculous. I do a lot for this school. You asked for a student center, then booed when I announced one. You asked for more safety, then threatened mine when I brought up a private police thingy. It’s not my fault all of you complain.”
Daniels’ primary campaign promise is that any students who vote for him will be allowed to check out the moose head hanging in his house. Bloomberg, by contrast, has promised any student who votes for him a real-life moose, along with three Mattin Centers.
Bloomberg shared his thoughts on the election in an exclusive interview with The News-Letter. He explained that he had hoped to run for U.S. President, but felt that the Hopkins election would be an easier win.
“It just makes sense to vote for me,” he said. “Remember when I wrote that really nice article for The New York Times about how I’d get rid of student debt? I put my money where my mouth is — or rather, I put my money where yours isn’t. I’m happy to continue doing that for all of my time as Hopkins prez.”
Bloomberg hopes to use his “memeable appeal” to persuade voters to vote for him. He claims that it is his strongest asset, especially as it is backed by a cool five billion dollars.
“Ronny D. Daddy B. It’s an easy change to make, and one which I hope all students will rally behind,” Bloomberg said.
