APRIL FOOL’S: This article was published as part of The News-Letter’s annual April Fool’s edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally very serious about its reporting.
After their weekly meeting in Charles Commons on Monday at 7:00 p.m., Student Government Association (SGA) members voted unanimously to pass a 100-page resolution calling for the University to abandon plans for a private police force, to abolish the Baltimore Police Department, to end crime, to end racism, ableism, sexism, homophobia and all other forms of discrimination, to end sexual assault, to cure depression on campus and to provide free pizza every day to all students.
The resolution also states that if the University does not comply with these demands, SGA will withdraw from Hopkins.
Executive President Theresa Mayflower authored the legislation, which she affectionately dubbed the “Everything Bagel.”
In an interview with The News-Letter, Mayflower explained that the Everything Bagel is intended to compensate for difficulties SGA experienced during the tenure of her predecessor, Elizabeth Doolittle, who was impeached last week, as well as the administration’s failure to answer to student demands. Mayflower, then Executive Vice President, had presented impeachment charges against Doolittle the week before.
“It is to my great chagrin that my predecessor, due to a ghastly bout of senioritis, grossly neglected her duties to represent SGA. As a result, SGA has accomplished little to nothing over the past few years,” Mayflower said. “But I pulled six consecutive all-nighters in order to make the Everything Bagel absolutely perfect. I am confident that our carefully researched and worded reforms will make a tangible difference in the lives of our constituents.”
As Mayflower presented her resolution, members nodded mindlessly without looking up from their computers. Some were online shopping, others were engrossed in Buzzfeed quizzes or scrolling Facebook, and one senator was straight up watching The Office. The relevance of these websites to the meetings is not yet clear, but various senators have assured our reporter that it’s part of their job.
Junior Class Senator Juan Adeyemi denounced the Everything Bagel for being too ambitious. He favors “Don’t Worry Be Happy,” an alternative resolution aiming to tackle both sexual assault and mental heatlh, which Adeyemi said are the most pressing issues facing students.
“Sexual assault sucks. So does depression,” Adeyemi said. “These are things we can get rid of. How? We’ll ask the administration to end these things. Just leave it all to us.”
He was also alarmed that the Everything Bagel calls for withdrawal if the University fails to comply with the legislation, pointing out the many obvious impracticalities of withdrawal.
Mayflower countered that Hopkins administrators clearly don’t understand the purpose of a student government association and often simply ignore SGA and the students they represent.
“It’s time to form our own independent government!” she cheered. “Yes, there will be hardship — trade between students and the administration will collapse, once-open borders will need to be enforced — but we will come out a stronger, more united SGA!”
She called for a vote on the Everything Bagel, effectively a referendum on whether to leave Hopkins. When she called for all those in favor, the senators robotically chanted “aye” without looking up.
Mayflower announced the Everything Bagel in an email to the student body at 7:16 p.m. Her message included a proposed memorandum of understanding with the administration and a personal note to University President Ronald J. Daniels.
In an institution-wide email sent at 7:21 p.m., Daniels condemned SGA’s surprise vote. He called on SGA senators to impeach Mayflower before it was too late.
“On my most recent expedition to Decker Quad, I came across a herd of upper-class students. Knowing that they are apt to bite at this time of year, I kept my distance, but I overheard them longing for a more transparent administration. Well, let me be perfectly open and honest: I’m not quite exactly sure what SGA’s been up to,” his message read. “If we avert the Everything Bagel and maintain the status quo, I will bring permanent seesaws and food trucks to the Beach. You’re welcome, Blue Jays. Sent from my iPhone.”
Within two minutes, members voted to impeach Mayflower as they continued to stare at their screens. She will face an impeachment hearing next week.
“Today was emotionally taxing,” Sophomore Class Senator Riva Takahashi said as she hurriedly closed a tab showing Kate Spade sale items. “But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. In the end, it’s all for the best.”
