St. Patrick’s Day has to be in my top three technically religious holidays, potentially top two if it’s February and I’m single.
So I present to you my guide to getting the most out of my favorite green-tinted American Bacchanal this Saturday in Baltimore.
Morning
Nothing leaves me quite so convinced of the ingraining of alcoholism in American culture like the fact that we’ve normalized drinking before the sun is up.
However, if you’re just itching to get that 7 a.m. pint of Guinness, you can head over to The Point in Fells, where there’ll be drink specials until 2 p.m.
Starting out early downtown means Ubering, but thanks to the Luck of the Irish and gentrification, there are plenty of bars to hop around until the Charm City Circulator starts running at 9 a.m.
(Though you may want to stick around for Bottomless Brunch at 10 a.m.)
Afternoon
While you’re in the neighborhood, head to the James Joyce Irish Pub, where you can actually enjoy some Irish culture.
Because, no, leprechaun costumes and green beer do not count.
Alongside Irish food and drink specials, there’ll be live music, Irish dancers and bagpipers: a total sensory experience.
Once you’ve paid even the slightest bit of homage to the holiday’s country of origin, feel free to go back to shenanigans at Parts & Labor in Remington.
Beers are $0.25 at 11 a.m., and the prices double every hour. The event doesn’t specify which beers, though, so be careful: It ought to be illegal to drink Natty Boh on March 17.
Either way, it’s a novel chance to pay for alcohol with loose change.
Another important note: $5 neighborhood shuttles will be running from Parts & Labor. I can’t write a St. Patrick’s Day article without a reminder to drink responsibly.
Evening
Luckily, you may not even need to use a $5 shuttle: Just hop onto the JHMI to go and grab dinner at the Mount Vernon Marketplace starting at 5 p.m.
Most of the deals on food are on Reuben sandwiches, but the market will surely make up for that in drink specials and colorful clientele.
While I encourage you to eat as much as possible on this day you’ve got to save some room for Ma Petite Shoe in Hampden.
Everyone’s favorite chocolate/shoe store crossover will be offering chocolate samples and adult refreshments from 5 to 8 p.m. There’s also a super sale going on, which I am sure will seem like a super great idea in the moment.
If you’re trying for a more authentic dinner, Gertrude’s is hosting a meal that seems pretty legit. However, they didn’t include pricing info in their event, and I’ve found that if you have to ask, you usually can’t afford it, so good luck with that.
The event that I am most excited for is A Serious Exploration of St. Patrick Using Comedy, a free event hosted by the Baltimore Improv Group.
I love history, and I love comedy. Though the promised amount of audience interaction (“lots”) makes my introverted self a little nervous, I have totally structured my day around this, and I entreat you to do the same.
Night
Nothing gold can stay, though, and by nothing I mean a commitment to wholesome entertainment on a day when I should technically be at church.
There are dozens of nightclubs in this city boasting Shamrock Shots and knockoff Mardi Gras beads (looking at you, Power Plant), but here are my top picks:
Mick O’Shea’s in Mount Vernon, aka my St. Patrick’s Day destination for the past three years (and also just a great place to go in general): It’s very loud, and I am almost always the youngest one there, but it’s actually excellent.
Mahaffey’s Pub in Highlandtown: It’s a trek, and it physically pains me that they call it St. Patty’s Day (Paddy, people!) but they’re serving breakfast until the kitchen closes, and they have no cover.
I’ll also give a shout out to the lady-centric party at The Attic at FLAVOR, where you can get a free jello shot for wearing green. It’s going to be a rough day for your bank account, so you might as well take free liquor if you can.
Bonus: Afterparties
And by that, I mean fun activities for your Sunday.
What’s worth waking up before 11 a.m. on the day after St. Patrick’s Day? St. Pitties Day.
This B’More Dog parade of pups will leave from Rash Field and is sure to cleanse your spirit of any negative energy.
If you prefer stranger pets, you can also check out St. Patrick’s Snakes at 1 p.m. at Lake Roland. The event is both a nod to the fact that St. Patrick allegedly banished all the snakes from Ireland and a great time to check out some slithery pals.
For the rest of you ruffians, head over to Southern Provisions in Canton for their bottomless, surely hangover-elongating bender brunch.
However you celebrate, drink water, be kind to your fellow Baltimoreans, and Erin go Bragh.
