It is finally beginning to feel like fall, with the crisp air and the crunchy leaves and the arrival of pumpkin-everything merchandise. I hope you are all having a lovely October and that you will take advantage of the upcoming three-day weekend to catch up on sleep or just snuggle up with a good book.
You might be spending fall break here on the Homewood campus, or you might be going home for the first time this school year. Mid-October is always a good chance to reconnect with family and friends who you may have drifted away from.
This week, we have a question from someone who is wondering how to maintain family ties while forging their own path.
Dear Jenny,
Since I left for college, I’ve been growing apart from my family, which feels natural to me as I am very different from them and hold different values and beliefs. Now that I no longer see them every day, it’s easy to be independent from them.
However, I still care about my family and don’t want to lose contact with them completely. How can I have a good relationship with my family while still maintaining my independence?
From,
Growing Pains
Dear Growing,
When I was a junior in high school, my father told me that if I wanted to pursue a college education in the humanities, he would not support me. For him, the only viable degree was one in science, engineering or mathematics. I loved those fields and believe that I could have excelled in them, but my real passion was for words and stories. I decided that I wouldn’t compromise my life or my interests for another person, even if that person was my parent.
At the time, our disagreement seemed irreconcilable. But since I’ve come to Hopkins, my relationship with my father has drastically improved. He has seen my commitment to my studies and has gradually accepted my life plans.
Growing, your question is a great one, because navigating family relationships in college is a weird and complicated process. You are more self-sufficient than ever before, but you still may be financially dependent on your family. You are beginning to figure out who you are and what you want to do with your life, but this may conflict with the way you were raised.
My advice to you, Growing, is both simple and challenging. Keep doing you. Keep being independent. Being independent can come in many shapes and forms. It could be finding an on-campus job so that you have more control over your own finances. It could be joining a new community, whether it’s social, religious or political, and surrounding yourself with like-minded people. It could be pursuing hobbies and projects that are meaningful to you.
At the same time, make a concerted effort to communicate with your family. Some of my friends schedule a weekly phone call with their family. Others FaceTime their parents every day. Do what feels best for you, whether that is a monthly Skype chat or frequent texting. If things feel strained, talk about your classes, your friends and the weather. Ask your family about the movies they’ve seen, the books they’ve read. It’s okay to keep the conversation light.
When you go home, be present. Give your mother a hug, brew a pot of tea and listen to talk radio together. Go ice skating with your siblings. Take your cousins to the movies. Ask your grandmother to teach you how to make sweet potato pie from scratch. Tag along with your grandfather when he goes to the grocery store. Relationships depend on small acts of kindness, so make an effort to keep doing those.
Growing, it is definitely possible to have a healthy relationship with your family while being independent, but it will take time. I didn’t speak to my father much during my freshman year. Whenever he called, I said I was busy studying. I didn’t tell him what I was studying, though. I thought the less he knew, the better.
During winter break, my first time home, my father took me to see The Force Awakens. After, we went to eat burritos. He asked me if I was happy. When I nodded, he said that was all that mattered to him. In that moment, I realized that even though we often disagreed, my father still wanted what was best for me. And I think he is realizing that what is best is letting me live my own life.
Best,
Jenny S. Hopkins
