So what makes them so American? First of all they were created by an American man, an American doctor no less, named John Harvey Kellogg (Sound familiar?). His brother would later outstrip him in fame through the creation of the Kellogg company.
But it is his entrepreneurial spirit that makes John Kellogg an icon. I don’t know of anything more American than becoming so rich and important that everyone associates your name with wholesome family brands. On the other hand, using carbolic acid to burn the clitorises of young girls is not so iconically American.
As it turns out, the founder of your grandfather’s favorite breakfast cereal was actually incredibly against our God-given right to touch ourselves. Having lived through the end of the Victorian era, his sentiments were not unusual but his actions most definitely were.
In fact, he was so anti-masturbation that he abstained from sex itself and never consummated his marriage. All his children were adopted and he and his wife spent their life sleeping in separate bedrooms. Like your dorm during your freshman year, it is safe to assume that nothing besides sleeping actually happened there.
However, it was not John Kellogg’s words or even the many books he wrote about the dangers of “onanism” that made Kellogg such a formidable opponent to free self-love. It was his actions. I spoke a bit about how he dealt with young girls’ masturbatory urges, but he also had a plan for young males which involved a silver wire and their foreskin. He employed both of these measures at the sanatorium where he worked.
So how does any of this relate to cereal? Well apparently your sexual desires are derived from the food you eat. Apparently, Kellogg was constantly turned on by strong-flavored fruits and meats since he abstained from both and advocated that others do the same. Apparently all that made you mentally scar your roommate is that hotdog you ate at dinner.
So John created a healthy and modestly bland breakfast cereal of flaked corn (later called cornflakes if you couldn’t put that one together) and unwittingly started the feud that would end his friendship with his brother.
Will Keith Kellogg, the aforementioned founder of the Kellogg company, was the book keeper at the sanatorium where John worked. Being the business-minded one in the family, Will was summoned to help with the distribution and sale of John’s anti-masturbation aide.
Of course, being the business-y one, Will couldn’t help but suggest that sugar be added to John’s recipe, worrying that it would be unpalatable for those who weren’t quite ready to commit to the hands-free lifestyle.
What did John think? Well, Will ended up selling the cereal through his own company, and the two continued to feud until John’s death. So one can only assume he was fine with it.
So that is how cornflakes came to be. I hope none of you were in the process of eating them when you found this out. Overall, if there’s one thing to help you swallow the fact that the brainchild of an anti-masturbation movement leader has become a symbol for a wholesome breakfast, it is that his belief in a healthy diet has certainly not stopped people from healthy masturbation — not that I speak from experience or anything.
