1. Channing Tatum: Do people actually take this guy seriously or is he just eye candy? Even then I have to say that Matt Bomer and Donald Glover are both more delicious than Tatum is in Magic Mike 2. (Although Donald Glover doesn’t take his clothes off even though I paid $11 for the ticket!) But I digress — Channing Tatum cannot act. In fact I don’t even think he attempts to. The closest he’s come to acting was in the overdramatic and syrupy chick flick based on the Nicholas Sparks novel Dear John (and don’t get me started on Nicholas Sparks). But for the most part he either strips or just stands there like a statue while Jonah Hill gets the laughs. He has very little charisma or stage presence. Once you get past his sausagey appearance he’s pretty boring.
2. Hugh Grant: I love this guy as much as the next girl. After all he’s charming and British. But what is he other than charming and British? I would dare say that Hugh Grant plays the same character of the witty, likeable bachelor in every movie and doesn’t stray from it. He’s not hysterically funny but to my knowledge hasn’t given any tear-jerking performances either. He’s like that chill professor with whom you’d like to have a beer, but you aren’t particularly dying to take his class.
3. Sarah Jessica Parker: Wow does she overact! Sarah Jessica Parker speaks as if every sentence ends with an exclamation point! Her over the top delivery of her lines and constant gasping for breath on Sex and the City make the show’s one-liners such as “What comes first, the chicken or the sex?”, “Are men just women with balls?” and “Are all men freaks?” (that one might be legitimate) seem harmless.
4. Michael Cera: One word: Ugh. This guy has been playing the same role since Arrested Development premiered in 2003. That awkward, fidgety I-am-super-uncomfortable-around-women-but-somehow-I always-land-a-babe-anyway thing is getting really old. My friend says that he “has the face” of a nerd. Maybe he does but so do 75 percent of Hopkins students and you don’t see us on the big screen with Bill Hader and McLovin.
5. Zooey Deschanel: I admittedly haven’t seen a ton of Zooey Deschanel movies, but I’ve seen enough to notice that she never really seems like she wants to be there. She has a very affected air in both her movies and interviews as if Hollywood is a huge inconvenience and she would be just as satisfied sipping a soy latte or some other pretentious drink at a Coffee Bean. Her voice is monotonous, and she is yet another example of how far physical beauty and connections can get you.
So as I sat back and enjoyed the Oscars I was sure to show some love for the actors who don’t exactly have the Leo DiCaprio finesse. As much as I love to laugh at their lack of skill, sometimes a bad movie is just what the doctor ordered at the end of the day.
