ike, “You can actually see Russia, from land, here in Alaska...” look like award-winning research.
My favorites include:
“They stomp on our neck, and then they tell us, ‘Just chill, O.K., just relax.’ Well, look, we are mad, and we’ve been had. They need to get used to it.”
“And you quit footing the bill for these nations who are oil-rich, we’re paying for some of their squirmishes that have been going on for centuries. Where they’re fighting each other and yelling ‘Allahu Akbar,’ calling Jihad on each other’s heads forever and ever. Like I’ve said before, let them duke it out and let Allah sort it out.”
Yikes. Here are eight things more comprehensible than Palin’s speech.
1. Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me”
Does anyone have any idea what this guy is saying? Let’s be honest: Most people only know the chorus and the line “To be a true player you have to know how to play.” As for the rest of it, we utter random syllables in a cringeworthy Jamaican accent whenever this song plays. It’s still easier to understand than that speech.
2. A professor whose coffee has been replaced with Four Loko
Based on the wild and belligerent manner in which Palin delivered the address, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had helped herself to some of the alcoholic, caffeinated beverage to umm calm her nerves beforehand.
3. Calc 3
What more needs to be said?
4. Moby Dick, The Sound and the Fury — basically any extremely challenging novel
Moby Dick dedicates hundreds of pages to whales. The Sound and the Fury is a novel in which the main character is mentally handicapped, writes in stream of consciousness and alternates with other narrators. But I would still much prefer rereading those novels to reading the transcript of the Trump endorsement.
5. That one commercial during the Superbowl in which a man tosses his Viagra out the window and it somehow transforms a tiny car into a Fiat
When I saw this advertisement I said to my friends, “I have never been and never will be this confused again.” I stand corrected.
6. The rationale behind fruit cake or any other quasi-dessert
Stewie Griffin said it best when he gave his sarcastic take on chocolate-covered raisins: “Yeah, yeah, that’s what I want with my chocolate. Fruit.” I agree. I have no idea what the inventors of these dessert imposters were attempting. That said I’m sure it makes more sense than whatever was going through Palin’s mind when she was supporting Trump.
7. The one “naughty” picture from that douchebag you haven’t seen since high school
Ladies (and gentlemen), I’m sure you’ve received at least one of these: The “arousing” photo from some random guy in your contacts list — a photo taken from a bizarre and unflattering angle. The poor, really desperate souls use Sepia or some other supposedly artsy filter to really bring the heat. But you aren’t turned on. You’re disgusted, and sometimes you aren’t even sure what you’re looking at. That’s what this speech was: The political equivalent of a dick pic.
8. Uggs with shorts
People can wear whatever they want, but that doesn’t mean I have to understand it. Even so this weather-confused look indubitably makes more sense than anything Palin said that night... or rather anything Palin has ever said.
Alas, Palin’s speech was more confusing than some of the world’s most confusing conundrums. Nonetheless the woman is entertaining. What would Tina Fey and SNL do without her?
