Over recent months, the Beta Theta Pi fraternity (Beta) has greatly expanded its sphere of influence and has assumed almost complete control over campus institutions such as The News-Letter and the SGA. Through such extraordinary levels of campus influence, Beta has unquestionably solidified its status as the premier Greek organization at Hopkins. In fact, if the brothers of this organization maintain their extraordinary pace for getting other fraternities kicked off of campus, in 12 years, they will be not just be the premier all-male social Greek organization, but rather, the only one left. Oh yes, the day of reckoning is at hand, and it’s only the beginning: Less known to the public are Beta’s aspirations for world domination through its burgeoning membership in the illustrious and secretive “Illuminati.” The organization apparently commended Beta for all of its great work last semester and extended an invitation — which the brothers unanimously accepted, without question.
In the following section, I conduct an interview with one of these Illuminati Betas (known as Betaminatti). The unusual format in which this interview is presented reflects the stringent identity-concealing guidelines designated by the Illuminati national organization. It is written as an opinions article, because, in theory, it never happened.
Q: As published on the Tor accessible dark-web Betaminatti website, Beta's primary goal is to "infiltrate the top tier of the Greek system and become ‘top dawgs’ by getting everyone kicked off campus and then all girls will like us." How does being part of the Illuminati help Beta with these goals?
A: "How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?... I don't want to hear your excuses. The center has to be at least three times bigger than this." — Derek Zoolander, Zoolander (2001)
Q: Why do you think anyone still doubts that Beta recently conspired to rig campus elections?
"Toga! Toga!" — Bluto, National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
Q: Excluding the obvious candidates and their less-than-burgeoning nether regions and their social irrelevance, what else do you think Betas are compensating for?
A: "Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." — Forrest Gump, Forrest Gump (1994)
Q: What extreme measures must one go to enjoy themselves around a Beta?
A: "You can milk anything with nipples." — Greg, Meet the Parents (2000)
Folks, there you have it. Straightforward answers (irrelevant movie quotes) to reasonable questions (misguided hostility) all printed up in the highest quality of ink. Also, I don't actually think that Beta is "A shining star Amidst a Dark and gloomy Greek Galaxy," and the junk written above is intended to be satirical even though I whiff on my humor.
Anyway, here's why I wrote this sucker: The mudslinging that's gone on here on campus recently takes away from everyone's college experience. I write about Beta's recent image issues because I can speak to it personally, and it's literally negative rumor after negative rumor nowadays.
Students at Hopkins certainly have something better to do with their time than sit around and gossip and gawk at the "person who did this thing" or "the group that did that.” The fact of the matter is, in the very near future, you're not going to care about any of these things.
When you look back at your college experience, hopefully you'll remember the "excellent academic experiences" that you had, the fun that you had with friends and maybe even "that one time at Spring Fair..." You're not going to remember any of the drama that seems to be such a talking point at the moment.
Be positive. It's well worth it, and you're only at Hopkins for so long. Let’s enjoy every minute of it to the fullest.
