Have you ever bought something weird? How about something double-weird? Triple-weird? If you have bought something weirder than that, I won’t even ask — that is between you and your God.
But don’t be ashamed — everyone makes some questionable purchases in their lifetime. For example, a friend of mine once bought a kit that helps you grow round carrots in your garden!* How stupid is that?!
For the most part, these embarrassing acquisitions can be pushed to the backs of our minds and our shelves soon after we rip them from their packaging. We forget about them. They become safe from outside scrutiny. We can pretend we weren’t actually dumb enough to have spent money on these pointless items.
UNTIL NOW.
No absurd purchase is safe these days, not with Drew of The Worst Things for Sale on the prowl. You may have heard of this bearded man’s webcomic Toothpaste for Dinner (www.toothpastefordinner.com), or from any of his lovely cache of online videos (YouTube search “How to Irrigate Your Nasal Passages” if you’re feeling fun).
One of his more recent projects has been a daily blog about the insane things people are selling and buying on the Internet. As the page’s description states, the blog is a compilation of all the “Internet’s most horrible items.” And, oh, are there some horrible ones. Each day, Drew searches the darkest parts of the web to discover products that simply do not make sense. Some are gross. Some are confusing. Some are absurdly expensive. Others are fascinating. The Internet is a terrifying place.
What I love the most about this blog is the fact that it so beautifully illustrates the madness of buying culture. People are selling these things because people are purchasing them. Real people. With money. Money that the real people earn. At their jobs.
Maybe you will understand the absurdity of this whole phenomenon once I illustrate some of my personal favorite features on the blog. Again, let me remind you that all of these things are for sale. You can buy them. They can be yours forever. Think about it.
1. An 82 inch computer screen. That is taller than your dad — unless your dad is super tall.
2. A terrifying looking mask that electrocutes your face in 26 spots.
3. A pack of pastel-colored pens “for her.” Because women need their own brand of pens, of course.
4. A six pack of “Dog Beer” — beer for dogs — which is much more expensive than people beer.
5. A book for children called Melanie’s Marvelous Measles. Pretty sad and straight forward.
6. Green toilet paper. No, not environmentally friendly toilet paper. Just green.
7. A 24-karat gold iPhone 4 case. It costs $1,748.06. As Drew points out, you could buy eight iPhone 5s instead.
8. A book about “Pornogami.” Learn how to fold paper to look vaguely like a butt.
So there you have it: the worst things you could possibly buy, all on one blog, plus amusing commentary. Check this fun stuff out at www.theworstthingsforsale.com — for all your Mother’s Day shopping needs.
*The friend was actually just me. I’m sorry for lying, everybody.
