Last week alone, I went through 18 Zyrtecs, 24 Fluticasone nasal squirts and four rolls of Charmin Ultra Soft Mega Rolls (for my nose, that is). By these numbers, this can only mean one thing.
It's springtime in Baltimore.
And in case you're wondering, no, my sinuses are still not clear.
I'm that sniffling, nose-honking kid you don't want to be sitting next to in class.
I'm also the kid who, inspired by Mad Men and a personal "green movement," is trying to bring back the pocket square, more commonly referred to by the less-refined as the "handkerchief."
According to the experts at toiletpaperhistory.net (no, that's not a joke), an average tree makes 810 rolls of toilet paper.
So, if I did the math correctly, that would mean my hanky, in all its snot-filled, grandpa-ish glory, will help me save 0.49 percent of a tree every week. By the end of allergy season, I'll have saved nearly one tenth of a tree.
And by the end of my life, I'll have saved something like seven whole trees.
Well, to be completely honest, I don't care much about the trees.
I'm just tired of buying toilet paper, and I'm starting to get weird looks from the CharMar employees. But if you have some odd qualm about carrying around your own crusted, nasal mucus in your back pocket or purse, then take up something else for me this spring: jogging.
Despite what Ron Burgundy said, no, it's not a new fad.
It's about 2 million years old and was crucial to the evolution of our upright physique.
And, no, it doesn't have a soft "J."
According to Daniel Lieberman, who has published works on the evolution of running in Nature, early humans used our extreme endurance to scavenge and chase prey to exhaustion.
We were born to run.
Now, I'm not going to tout the health benefits of jogging (like weight loss, decreased risk of heart disease, reduced blood pressure, increased bone density, decreased risk of diabetes, decreased risk of cancer, improved sleep, a strenghtened immune system, decreased stress levels...oops, sorry), but I am going to tell you that jogging will improve your relationship with Baltimore.
Did I mention that it also stimulates neurogenesis in the hippocampus?
For those of you non-premeds - wait, why are you reading my column - that means running gives you a better memory, which equals better learning, which equals better grades, which equals more success, which equals more money, which equals a cooler car, which equals more babes.
Okay, well maybe that's just my thought process, but this also reminds me that sex also stimulates hippocampal neurogenesis.
Well, that's a story for another time, but for those of you skeptical premeds that missed the seminar by Princeton neuroscientist Dr. Elizabeth Gould, do a quick PubMed search of her name for the hard proof.
Granted, all this has only been demonstrated in rodents, but it conveniently brings my logical progression full circle: more babes equals more sex, which equals more hippocampal neurogenesis, and that equals a better memory.
Now that we know jogging and sex work together in a mutually beneficial cycle, let's continue with where we started: jogging around Baltimore in the spring.
First, please don't jog on campus.
You just get in the way and you really don't look that cool with your iPhone strapped to your sweaty arm.
Plus, a number of great runs are within running distance (pun intended) of campus.
Run north to the 4100 block of St. Paul or Greenway to check out the Sherwood tulip gardens of the Guilford neighborhood.
If you are more ambitious and want to get away from the urban scene, head just west of campus and San Martin Drive to Stoney Run Trail for a secluded trail run that follows a stream.
Believe it or not, a jog to the Inner Harbor via Charles Street or St. Paul Street is less than five miles round-trip, and on your way, you will pass the comely architecture of Mt. Vernon and Baltimore's business district.
You can also catch the JHMI to Penn Station, then the Charm City Circulator to start your run at the Inner Harbor. From there you can jog around historic Federal Hill, Fell's Point or Canton.
While you're at it eye-out local restraunts and shops to check out on weekends.
Other recommended, nearby running locales are Lake Montebello and Druid Hill park, where you can jog by the Baltimore Zoo.
Pretty soon you'll be creating your own running routes.
You can then log on to MapMyRun.com or NikeRunning.com for free and map out the distance of your jogging escapades.
So, get out there.
Jogging is going to boost your smarts, money, sex life and most importantly, your relationship with Baltimore's beautiful, nose-tingling, eye-watering spring.
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Published by the Students of Johns Hopkins since 1896
November 22, 2024
