Honest to Blog: Up close and personal at Coachella

If you don't know what Coachella is, then that's okay, but I will judge you wholeheartedly for your lack of musical taste. Coachella is. . .the Coachella of music festivals. It's a yearly Woodstock with more musical acts, more celebrities, more hipsters and more drugs.
This year's lineup included The Black Keys, Swedish House Mafia, the Arctic Monkeys, Radiohead, Bon Iver, The Shins, David Guetta, Feist, Florence + the Machine, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, Avicci, Calvin Harris and the Hives. In other words? The $335 tickets actually caused this aspiring music journalist to have an intense moral debate as to whether or not work the corner of North Charles & 33rd Street in order to begin a Coachella fund.
Alas, dear readers, I instead decided to keep my dignity intact and watch the musical acts via YouTube from the comforts of my dorm room.
Upon doing so, I have come to several conclusions:
1. According to the Coachella website, "The most popular way to experience Coachella is to camp on the polo grounds."
I do not do camping.
However, the fact that the safari package includes a shakir style tent with showers, bathroom facilities, a yoga village, late night snacks and a farmers' market, I am beginning to reconsider my definition of what it means to be outdoorsy. Oh, and did I mention that the Coachella staff will drive you to the concert(s) of your choice in a golf cart? Yes, I most definitely want in.
2. Coachella is most definitely an excuse to dress like you're a boho hipster and/or have tripped out on acid and to wear no clothes at all. Since I have recently decided I should become fashionable, I think my wardrobe would benefit from buying copious amounts of crochet, printed dresses and rompers.
3. Speaking of the widespread drug use that would trouble this neurotic and frazzled editor, I have come to the conclusion that, upon attending Coachella, I would find amusements such as tripped-out people thinking that a hologram of Tupac was, in fact, a resurrected version of the rapper extremely entertaining.
Also, I would be the first one to take paparazzi shots of Rihanna rolling some sort of smokeable substance off of her bodyguard's head.
All's fair in love and journalism.
4. Back to that Tupac hologram. Can they bring that back with Dick Clark come New Year's Eve so that I never have to hear Ryan Seacrest host anything else ever again? If they can't work that out, I want Stanley Tucci, ?? la Ceasar Flickerman, to host A Rockin' New Years' Eve, partly because I liked his blue hair, partly because I've become obsessed with The Hunger Games and mostly because I like the unnatural pauses in his voice.
So there you have it, dear readers: an anthropological study of Coachella from my laptop. If any of you would like to contribute to the "Devin Alessio Coachella Fund," I'll be on the corner with the homeless man from Subway and a clever cardboard sign and a contribution jar.