For some of us, the creation of Facebook meant another forum to use for our digital diary. After all, Livejournal was so 1995, and Twitter doesn't have nearly enough characters to emcompass our tumultuous emotional states.
Perhaps Mark Zuckerberg hoped that we would make better use of the group Facebook settings and thus avoid sharing the inner depths of our soul with all of our "Friends." But most of us didn't. So how do you update Facebook? Half-hearted in class? Drunkenly in fetal position? After multiple drafts and options? No matter which way describes you, it doesn't matter; we will analyze the hell out it anyway.
"It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you, wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine . . ."
Before you think that your good friend Judy has enrolled in a poetry class, do a quick Google search. That's nothing but Taylor Swift and an ellipses.
This girl had a relationship. That relationship didn't end well.
There's something cathartic about finding a Top 20 hit and relating on a deep emotional level to its lyrics. And even more freeing if you put those lyrics as your profile status.
You probably think this status is about you, don't you, don't you?
"Lost my phonee last niteeee! Don't text or call (unless you have it, then let me know plzzz :)"
Hey guys, if you didn't see me last night then you're the only one! I was having a great time at Maxie's and then PJ's and then some leisurely time at CVP. It was pretty wild but that's okay because we had a great time, didn't we?
Let's not hang out until later because I'm kind of hung over. I also had a pretty great one night stand last night. Are you jealous of me yet? Well, you will be soon. My besties are going to put up some pics of us from last night, betch.
"Come to the Breezeway between 12 and 4 p.m. for some free candy and information about how you can cure every disease on every continent in the whole world! Did I mention there will be cupcakes?"
You met this guy at Play Fair. He friended you seven minutes after you left and has been a staple on your Newsfeed ever since.
He's involved in almost every student group on campus except a varsity sports team. But don't worry, he plays intramural.
There's no need to read Daily Announcement's because his profile links to every single event being held on campus. He's very passionate about Blue Jays, saving the world and studying in the library. He's already into med school. Oh, and he's only a second semester freshman.
"BASJDHASLDH. Three Red Bulls down. Six hours to go."
This status was updated at 3:03 a.m. Three minutes after the offender moved from D-level up to M-level.
She's been in the library since her last afternoon class and guzzling caffeine since noon. Cafe Q refillable coffee cups were one of her favorite new additions to the Homewood campus this year.
Some of you may wonder why, if you have all this work, one would even be updating Facebook? Don't even ask. This amount of work couldn't be avoided — even though it's only the third week of school.
"On the plane to Europe! If you want to track my flight go to http://ihaveaniphone.com!!"
This character uses Four Square and has his Twitter linked to his Facebook. He used LinkedIn before the Career Center even knew it existed. He coined the term networking. And synergy.
"Underneath and unexplored/ Islands and cities I have looked/ here I saw/ Something I couldn't overlook"
This person wears a lot of Flannel, likes American Spirits and has really big glasses (they help her see the fine print in House of Leaves).
You don't know this band but they're called the xx and they're, like, real chill. She likes bands who have atypical capitalization and incorrect period use. Like Portugal. the man.
"Tomorrow's a new day and a new door will open!"
He just got rejected from every med school that he applied to. Including safeties.
"Luv my baby boo boo <3 Can't believe it's only been four days!"
You've been following this couple since they met, since the first time they kissed and since they finally declared their romance "Facebook official." That's because "hunny bear" is all up on "baby boo boo's" wall. All of the time.
Love poems? Public. Videos of dancing stuffed animals? Public. How much they love each other? Even more public. It gives a new meaning to Public Displays of Affection.
So, next time you click "update" on that Facebook profile of yours, remember that I'll be watching. Along with the rest of your 800 friends.
