Nothing new here, right? Bitter single person deplores American commercialization of relationships to mask their own dismal romantic outlook, only to march home and cheerfully spend the night alone in bed, denying any feelings of inadequacy while taking in a couple heartfelt dramas and four servings of Ben & Jerry's.
At least in high school the balloons, big bears and flowery crap would unsettle the administration, and for once the PDA people (you know who you are) were admittedly halfway cute to even the most cynical eye.
But at JHU, we don't even have a nearby Super Target for half-price chocolate on the 15th. If we aren't bumping elbows with our main squeeze, we're reduced to mocking those who are — through the haze of alcohol, self-pity or both.
You have to sympathize with the Forever Alone. It's not just our Newsfeeds, mired in an onslaught of unnecessary optimism and gift one-upmanship, complete with camera phone images.
The subtle campus-wide invasion of good spirits and pink accessories is enough to make any dateless wretch long to take one of those leftover Sterling Brunch cupcakes and crush it on the interlocked fingers of the nearest pair of conformists spreading their unwelcome happiness all over the FFC.
People in relationships get the perks, of course; but don't they secretly dread the expense of dinner, the hassle of planning? How many of us honestly dreamed of reenacting senior prom this February?
Constricting clothes, expensive food and foliage can only curtail the primary objective: hot, wild, earth-shattering coitus, whether to placate society or just because, unlike your old maid friends, you can.
Unless you're among those with the ever-original idea of starting a relationship or marriage engagement on Feb. 14th, the pressure's on.
Tread lightly: if you see this going somewhere, you can't outdo yourself now and hit peak performance prematurely.
There's a fine line between ambition and masochism when it comes to topping Valentine's Day for the really important dates. (This is where the aforementioned sweethearts have an advantage: what better way to dodge expectations than conveniently combining your anniversary and V-Day endeavors?) Passionate, yet suave; bold, but sensitive; tender, not subdued. These are the target words you're looking for in the critique of your night. Or so I'm told.
None of you lone wolves out there have to worry about bouquets, sexy lingerie or missing the latest Linsanity because your significant other wants to be all mainstream. You're welcome. And if that doesn't cheer you up, just remember you're eventually going to die.
Couples, do your thing. We're happy for you. Really.
Single people must face a harsh truth: Whether you're a lonely guy for whom it has dwindled to an excuse for a Wednesday hangover or an independent gal who was craving a sleepover with fellow singles anyway, Valentine's Day cannot — and will not — be ignored.
