While its writers have somehow managed to make the "You know you love me" phrase ubiquitous among pop culture-savvy youth, Gossip Girl hasn't entirely managed to maintain the loyalty of its viewers. For those who have religiously watched all five seasons thus far, it is obvious that Gossip Girl has fallen into the trap that many prime time soaps do — fearing the show is too boring or too safe.
Boring and safe may not be words we equate with Gossip Girl. After all, there are drugs, sex and illegitimate children. But that is not what boring means in this sense of the term. Instead, boring refers to recycled storylines and the inability to handle drama.
When writers push certain plot developments too far, the characters become extreme versions of themselves and are ultimately written off the show. Jenny (Taylor Momsen) and Vanessa (Jessica Szohr) are perfect examples. But don't worry, you can always watch YouTube videos of Momsen's band if you want to see Jenny in real life.
If you haven't tuned in since the days of Constance Billard and eating Greek Yogurt on the steps of the Met, here's a summary of all five seasons of Gossip Girl with a few familiar plot points.
Stolen/ Mistaken Identity
We know that people are never as they appear in the Big Apple from the very start. Case and point, the mysterious narrator, whose voice we recognize from the days, of Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell) is an anonymous blogger who reports on the lives of "Manhattan's elite." And later on in that pilot episode, Nate is kissed not by Serena, but the young and impressionable Jenny Humphrey, whose face is obscured by her masquerade mask.
Characters drop in and out of the central plot, but what makes them intriguing is that we don't often know who they are or what they want. Then, our Upper East Side friends will do some sleuthing of their own and ultimately discover the truth. Or, they'll be duped until it's almost too late. Almost.
Mystery Babies
Rufus and Lily were a favorite couple until Rufus was tamed and moved out of his Brooklyn studio. How predictable. But it wasn't always so easy to be boring for this duo, as they struggled for almost a season with looking for their love child in Boston.
And then there was that time Georgina convinced Dan that he was the father of her baby. Oh, and Blair also got pregnant and had to take a paternity test to determine whether the father was her betrothed, the Prince, or her beloved, Chuck. And, maybe I'm alone here, but I definitely thought Dan was a possibility too.
Selling out your friends to the infamous Gossip Girl
If ever something dramatic occurs, the most obvious response is to keep it secret. After all, if Pretty Little Liars taught us anything, it's that "two can keep a secret if one of them is dead."
In nearly every episode of Gossip Girl, some new scandal arises and someone (either a peon or a jealous cohort with a hidden agenda) will tip off Gossip Girl. And then it all hits the fan.
The Love Triangle
Making a list got too repetitive. At this point, everyone has slept with everyone and we're getting a little bored. Thank goodness the writers thought up their newest stroke of genius by pairing together the most unlikely of duos: Blair and Dan.
This arrangement would suck if not for Leighton Meester being the real star of the show and pulling off chemistry with just about anyone she interacts with. What's remarkable about this is the fact that nearly everyone was a Blair-Chuck fan and, yet, there is something wildly inappropriate and erotic about these two enemies finally hooking up. We like it.
Random Character Arcs
Sometimes we meet a new character. Generally, that character is not good news. And more often than not, after the prescribed character arc is done, we never hear from that person again. Though, sometimes one of the clique will offhandedly reference one of these guest stars in a "Remember when you dated that tool Carter" kind of way.
These random individuals include but are not limited to Carter Baizen, Georgina Sparks (though it appears Michelle Trachtenberg is back yet again), Nelly Yuki, Asher, Poppy Lifton, Olivia Burke (Hilary Duff), Trip Vanderbilt, Bree Buckley and Charlie Rhodes. If you recognized more than two names on that list, congratulations. If not, it's safe to assume that either Blair hated them or Serena slept with them. The end.
Vague Business Transactions
Money is not an object for these well-to-do socialites, and we are constantly reminded of that.
In season one, Chuck deals with Bass Industries and his father and his uncle and a whole bunch of other things we're not meant to understand. Just know that they have to do with hotels. And Chuck's uncle is bad news bears (and also Detective Quinn on Dexter).
Most business related story lines revolve around Chuck because he's the only person that the audience would actually believe could handle important grown-up things. But, again, these story lines are non-descript and usually employ sex as part of the closing deal.
Parties
It's rare that shows like 90210, Gossip Girl or even Pretty Little Liars do not focus on one single event that drives all of the characters together. When you live on the Upper East Side, the most obvious event is a party or gala. Various events include The Kiss on the Lips party, The Blair Waldorf Sleepover, all holiday parties, all birthday parties, Cotillion, The White Party, graduation parties, fashion shows and the Snowflake Ball. And that's just the first two seasons.
The show hasn't necessarily gone downhill — just in a circle. It's no less trashy than season one, so your guilty pleasures are still satisfied. Wouldn't it be plausible that these characters would get a little smarter if they were simply reliving last season's events?
We'll let you answer that question by yourself.
