I’m sure y’all have seen that billboard on Charles and Lanvale. If you haven’t, you need to get out more. It is a jewelry advert for Smyth Jewelers, often referred to simply as Smyth’s. It shows a stick-figure Natty Boh-man proposing to the Utz girl. The caption says, “Where Baltimore gets engaged.”
Now, I don’t know about all that. Smyth’s is an institution in Baltimore and I’m sure many fine folk fork over good money for engagement rings. I just don’t know if they all do it in a Smyth store. What I do know, though, is that National Bohemian is a damn fine value beer and Utz are the crispiest potato chips around.
That brings us to the topic of this week’s column: snacks. I know that as Blue Jays, y’all are acutely aware of the fact that snack foods vary by location.
There is a strong brand loyalty here among us Baltimoreans. We proudly choose our Utz over Lays, and we’d take Tastykake over Hostess any day. I hope you’re hungry because I’m about to describe some of the most amazing snack foods on this side of anywhere.
First, the classic potato chip comes in no better, purer form than Utz Potato Chips.
Utz, while a Penn. company, has long been associated with Baltimore because it was one of the first markets where Mr. William Utz sold the potato chips that his wife, Salie, cooked in their home in Hanover, Penn.
One of their finest products has to be the “Crab Chip.” It’s a crispy, delightful chip coated in a seasoning inspired by Old Bay. There is a raging debate among Baltimoreans as to which “Crab Chip” is superior: Utz’s or Herr’s.
Here are the facts: Utz has the better chip. Herr’s, however, uses Old Bay Seasoning. So you are presented with a true dilemma: do you choose the Baltimorean chip or the Batlimorean seasoning? Now, if you read my column devoted to Old Bay, you’d know that I am a huge fan of the seasoning. However, in this case, I would recommend Utz over Herr’s. Utz needs the business. McCormick and Herr’s have enough money.
Tastykake is another one of those non-Baltimore Baltimorean snack food companies. Like most of our great snacks, they come out of Penn. Their Butterscotch Krimpets are mouth-watering sponge cakes that nearly melt in your mouth. The KandyKake is, as Wikipedia describes, a “chocolate-enrobed cake with filling.” The word “enrobed” couldn’t be more apt for this snack cake. This little sugary treat tastes like an opulent foray into processed paradise. The filling is peanut butter and the cake is moist. Together, they work your taste buds over like a Swiss masseur.
For a richer experience in the sugary sweet world of desserts, I would recommend Berger Cookies. Berger Cookies are a Baltimorean delight, not an import from Penn. Listen, go easy on these things. Essentially, the Berger Cookie is a huge dollop of dark, rich chocolate ganache and a teeny, tiny cookie underneath. That’s right — it’s heaven. A staple in nearly every Baltimorean household, Berger Cookies have been that perfect mid-afternoon snack or light dessert for decades.
The last thing on the menu isn’t exactly a snack. It is more of a side, but I could make entire meals out of it. Rapa Scrapple’s scrapple is transcendent. Scrapple is ground pork with cornmeal and spices.
I call out Rapa Scrapple because it is the only kind of scrapple I am aware of. I’m sure that there are plenty of other producers of scrapple. In fact, when I lived in Seattle and was terribly nostalgic for my hometown, I went in search of scrapple. I found a terrible ersatz that was “maple flavored.” If you are already a scrapple connoisseur, I’m sure you’re shuddering as I did.
Either way, scrapple is the ultimate replacement breakfast meat if you have had too much bacon. I know Ron Swanson would say that having too much bacon is impossible. I agree, but if you want to mix things up, the next time you find yourself drunk in a diner, I suggest trying out scrapple. If you are especially daring, try some mustard on it.
If you are as hungry reading this column as I am writing it, then I think it’s high time for some Baltimorean snacks.
