To quote one of my three favorite sage, supernatural masters, Avatar Roku: “It’s time you learned.” (Yoda and Dumbledore are the other two.) Today, you are going to be reading about literary greats and how Baltimore played a role in their lives. Actually, I’m just going to tell you about literary greats who were born in Baltimore and spent a good chunk of their lives here. Mostly they just spent their horrible childhoods here. You know what that means, though, right? Terrible teenage years makes for better writing. Except in Tom Clancy’s case. That guy is just a jerk.
So yes, starting from least to greatest, Tom Clancy was born and raised in Baltimore. In fact, he went to Loyola Blakefield for high school, my alma mater. Apparently he was bullied mercilessly there. I also heard that once did he come and speak at that good ole’ Jesuit school. When he did, he showed up smoking a cigarette. He put out that cigarette out on the podium.
During the Q&A portion of his talk a young student asked him, “Why do you write?” Clancy responded by pointing out to a fancy and expensive car parked in the school’s circle and saying, “That’s why.” Now, I don’t remember if this story was actually included, but I like to think it was: The entire time he spoke Clancy refused to remove his sunglasses.
The next writer in our list, David Simon, wrote the greatest nonfiction piece of the past quarter century. The Corner is smart, insightful and disgustingly touching. I don’t think there is another book that has almost made me cry. That’s right, almost, because I don’t cry. I am a man.
The best part about this book is that it set in motion an unstoppable series of events that led to the creation of the greatest TV series of all time: The Wire. If you don’t agree, you 1) don’t have taste in television and clearly don’t watch enough of it and 2) you need to get your butt out of my city.
Adrienne Rich is a phenomenal poet slash feminist slash activist. Her father was supposedly highly geared on her education. In fact, she was educated right up the street at Roland Park Country School. Her poetry has garnered her a Yale Younger Poets Award, the Guggenheim Fellowship, National Book Award, and blah, blah, super great awards. Seriously, the woman is massively talented. I like to think that her talent all comes from her Baltimorean upbringing.
H.L. Mencken is known as the Sage of Baltimore. If he could somehow supernaturally come back in ghost form like my other favorite sages, he, too, would rank among my favorite sages. But alas, he is just a genius with a witty and biting tongue. Seriously, when the Scopes Monkey Trial was going on he wrote some of the most vicious commentary of William Jennings Bryan. They say that the stress of the trial killed Bryan, but I say that it was Mencken’s terrifically incisive remarks upon Bryan’s sadly dim bulb. I mean this is the man who wrote, “A man may be a fool and not know it — but not if he is married.” Bam. Marriage sucks.
Finally, last and greatest is Edgar Allan Poe. Poe was a master of horror, suspense and thrills. This guy was so good that for 60 years scotch was placed on his grave to honor his greatness. A word to the wise: You know you’ve made it in life, if you can still get drunk on your birthday in death.
