Right after my boyfriend and I officially became "exclusive," he decided to tell me about his brother's views on monogamy. His brother, a 20-something gay man living in L.A., had a boyfriend but routinely received blowjobs from guys he met in clubs. I asked my boyfriend if he thought that was cheating, and he shrugged and said that, for males, love and sex were two different things.
"Guys are really horny," he explained. "Sometimes they just need to have sex with the closest available person. But love means something more."
Needless to say, this wasn't something I wanted to hear from someone I'd just started dating. I didn't believe in open relationships or casually hooking up with people who were sleeping with other partners. Those types of arrangements seem to empower guys and put girls at the disadvantage, since college-aged girls tend to be more interested in monogamous relationship than their male counterparts. So the guys get to sleep around as much as they want, knowing that they have a girl to come home to every night, while the girls get hurt and feel used.
I told my boyfriend that we would be sticking to my definition of monogamy, but six months later, I was starting to wonder if his brother was right. College is, in some ways, a cornucopia of sexual potential.
Our youth means we're at the peak of physical attractiveness, and we still have a few of those raging hormones left over from puberty. We're horny, and we're surrounded by young, beautiful people our own age. The school and social scene force us to interact with the same people over and over again, making it easier to meet and talk to potential partners. Sex is a lot easier here than it is in the real world, where half the work involves finding cute young singles. Why not take advantage?
The more I contemplated an open relationship, the more I started thinking it made sense. My boyfriend's brother was right. Sex and commitment are two entirely different things. In fact, the emotional aspects of a relationship (love, trust, compatibility) are much more powerful and meaningful than the physical: At the end of the day, sex is just a method of achieving fleeting bodily pleasure. Because the emotional commitment is much important than the sexual exclusivity, aren't you cheapening the emotional relationship by tying it to sex?
We're also surrounded by sexual temptations in college. Even though Hopkins students complain about never having any sex, we're surrounded by a high percentage of relatively attractive people. (Office workers can attest to the fact that people let their looks go when they start working 9 to 5.) But our desires for the hot guy in Biology in Film are sexual, based purely on looks. Because they're just about sex, they shouldn't pose a threat to the strong emotional foundations of a healthy relationship.
People end relationships all the time because they want more variety in their sexual partners. They want new experiences; they want to see what else is out there.
But these people are looking to connect with their partners physically, not emotionally. And if the emotional aspects of a relationship are most fundamental, why should it matter if you and your partner are sleeping with other people? Why end a great relationship just because one person has different sexual urges?
But there's a reason most open relationships do not work out. It's because sex has emotional consequences for a relationship, but not in the way people normally think.
Even if you feel you're capable of having purely carnal sex, a relationship provides an important form of emotional stability that's related to sex: the affirmation that you're sexually desirable. People want and need to feel sexually attractive. When your boyfriend sleeps with someone else, he's implying that you're not enough for him, that he needs more. People feel devastated when their partners cheat on them not only because their partner has broken a promise, but also because it makes them question their self-worth.
When your boyfriend tells you you're not good enough, it can be hard to remind yourself that you are.
That's not to say that you shouldn't take advantage of the sexual cornucopia of college. Just don't do it while you're in a relationship.
