Top 5 reasons to miss the big game - You may be tempted to join the masses and watch Super Bowl XVIII this Sunday night. Don't.

I don't think that I'm alone when I say that this year, the Super Bowl sucks. And I'm not saying that because I'm still bitter about the trifecta tragedy of the Patriots losing last year's championship, Tom Brady going down in week one and the 11-5 Patriots not making the playoffs (I've made peace with the fact that this will haunt me for the rest of my natural life.) So instead of bitching and moaning about what I consider the number one sports-related tragedy of my lifetime, I'll simply give you the top five reasons that you shouldn't watch Super Bowl XLIII.

5) It will be a blowout. Don't listen to all the commentators and speculators who say that Arizona has a fighting chance to win it all this year. They marvel over Kurt Warner's playoff prowess and Larry Fitzgerald's animal speed, but it's all a fa??ade to make it seem like the game will still be interesting. The Cardinals offense may have proven themselves in the playoffs, but they're no match for the number one defense in the NFL. To quote the famous line that you will inevitably hear at least five times during the big game, "Offense wins games; defense wins championships." As much as it pains me to do so, take a look at last year's game between the Patriots and the Giants. The Patriots lost because of the pressure Tom Brady received from New York's incredible defensive line, a fact which proves that a team can have the best quarterback or receiving corps in the league, but if they're not given the time to get into their rhythm and make plays happen, then they become useless.

4) You will be forced to watch famous underdog stories, which will only get your hopes up. You wouldn't expect the National Football League to have much interest in old fairy tales, but the organization has developed a strange love affair with the "Cinderella story" (another phrase you will hear countless times on Sunday). While it is true that everyone loves a good tale of an underdog coming out on top, no one likes getting in that underdog spirit only to see the team driven into the ground.

3) You will have to hear about the back story of the NFL's favorite Cinderella, Kurt Warner, again. If you have followed professional football with even the most remote interest, then you've heard Kurt Warner's story. They've talked about it during his two previous Super Bowl appearances, during a few commercials and any other time he does something notable. We get it. We know that after getting cut from the Green Bay Packers's training camp, he ended up bagging groceries at a Hy-Vee in Iowa, followed by Arena Football, followed by NFL Europe, followed by a Super Bowl victory. It's old news, yet I imagine that with today's job market the way it is, the NFL will consider his story to be that much more inspirational. At least there's hope for all those recent college graduates asking, "Would you like fries with that?"

2) Ben Roethlisberger will be depicted as the toughest man alive. I guess it is hard not to admire Big Ben. The man came back from a vicious motorcycle accident and stepped on the field the next season. He always seems to be injured somehow, but manages to pull it together for game day. He seems to be okay as of now, but should he suffer so much as a strained pinky between now and Sunday, you're going to hear about it.

1) No matter where you end up watching the game, you will inevitably share a couch with at least one Steelers fan and his "terrible towel." If I were to rank the top five most annoying NFL fans, Steelers supporters would come in at a close third (Sorry, but there's no one on the entire planet worse than a Giants or Eagles fan.) With Super Bowl XVIII, there's a very real, very scary possibility that Pitt fans may move up in those ranks. Pittsburgh is currently tied with the San Francisco 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys for the most Super Bowl victories of all time with five. This means that if Big Ben pulls off the Big Win, the Steelers will technically be the greatest franchise in NFL history. This is scary stuff. If this happens, lock your doors, shut your blinds and try to block out the noise of thousands of drunken maniacs flooding the streets, waving their terrible towels and reveling in their victory. Just to be safe, I wouldn't leave the room for about a week. On a side note, in my lifetime, I've actually never met a Cardinals fan. I'm not fully convinced that they actually exist. However, if the Cards pull off a miracle, I'm sure you'll see (and hear) them plenty.