Looking back at the Chia pet, fondly - One Fry Short

Well, this is my last column of my senior year, so everyone knows that I'm gonna say something about graduation. But there's a catch. You see, I'm not actually graduating this year. That's right: Matt Diamond is sticking around for a fifth year. I'd like to say this is because I totally rocked out and failed thirty classes, but no, I just need extra time to finish my music degree. This means that I get to be the creepy 23-year-old guy who lives at the Homewood and makes awkward passes at sophomores. Finally.

Since I won't be joining the rest of my class at Commencement, I decided to write my own Commencement address to the Class of 2007. I'm not sure why the University chose Brian Billick over me, but hopefully they won't make the same mistake next year.

MATT DIAMOND'S 2007 COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS

Students, Faculty, Staff, Professors, Hot Professors,

We are all gathered here today on Homewood Field because someplace better was too expensive. Also, a bunch of you happen to be graduating. That's cool. I'm totally happy for you guys. You see, graduating from college is a big part of life. Life has a lot of parts. A cotton candy machine also has a lot of parts. I like cotton candy. Who else here likes cotton candy? [pause for hand raising] Good.

I'm sure many of you plan on going to medical school after graduation. To those graduates, I say this: medicine is a noble field, and you're all going to make a huge difference in the world. Except for those of you who don't make it through med school, 'cause I mean, I hear it's pretty tough. And you know, it's okay if you want to quit or something. Everyone says not to give up on your dreams, but let's face it: if you're too stupid to succeed, you're pretty much worthless. [pause for laughter]

But seriously, I can't say what awaits you in the future. I don't have a time machine. I wish I had a time machine, because then I could totally go back to 1776 and draw a penis on the Declaration of Independence. Or maybe I'd kill Hitler. I dunno, everyone wants to kill Hitler though. How many people here would kill Hitler if they had a time machine? [pause for hand raising] Look guys, we don't need that many people to kill Hitler. [point to some guy in front row] You, you can kill Hitler. The rest of you can go visit the Renaissance or some crap.

By the way, what number am I thinking of? [pause for answers] God, you guys are so stupid.

So here's the real question: what exactly was the point of college? Sure, it's supposed to help us get better jobs, but I'm talking about something more than that. What life lessons can we take from our college experience? How did college help us grow? Also, am I sexy or what? [pause for suggestive whistling]

To examine these questions, let us turn to a modern miracle of growth: the Chia Pet. As many of you know, the Chia Pet is an animal-shaped thing with seeds on it, and all you have to do is water it for a few days and it grows into this mossy coating or something. I don't know, I've never actually owned one. I saw it on TV a bunch of times, though. Does anyone here watch TV? [pause for hand raising] Good.

So think about your mind as the Chia Pet figurine, and think about the seeds as college. Or maybe the water is college. Okay, so, think about your mind as the seeds, and the water as college, and the figurine is your physical body. But it's not actually your physical body, 'cause you guys aren't Chia Pets. Or are you? Sometimes I wonder if all my friends are actually cats dressed up as people. Ugh! I hate cat-people!

Anyway, my point is, life can be pretty complicated, but like a cotton candy machine, it makes tasty stuff. This tasty stuff is different for everyone. Some of you may want nothing more than to get a good job and raise a family. Others may choose to travel the world and aid those who are less fortunate. And some others may develop an unquenchable thirst for delights of the flesh, spiraling downward into a hedonistic nightmare from which there is no escape, a carnival of pleasures that will devour the soul from the inside until all that remains is a dark empty shell of a man, a burnt-out, cold, useless vessel. And maybe some of you will become accountants. Whatever.

In closing, I'd like everyone to join hands and focus their collective chakra into a giant blinding sphere of pure biophysical energy. Great.

Have a nice life, kids.

Matt Diamond is Matt Diamond and can be contacted at mdiamond@jhu.edu.