Got cartoons? The answer is no

Hello, dear readers. This week is a very special episode of One Fry Short. No, I'm not going to tackle teenage pregnancy, alcohol abuse or Jessie Spano taking one too many caffeine pills. What I'm going to tackle is an issue concerning this very column. In fact, this issue concerns the entire Cartoons page and everyone who writes for it. This issue might even concern you, if you're the type of person who gets concerned by issues. Like those goddamn liberals.

Anyway, let's start with a fun fact: the News-Letter has a Web site. This Web site gets updated once a week with most of the sections of the newspaper: News, Opinion, Sports, Science, Arts & Entertainment, Features and Cartoons. Right now you're probably thinking, "Oh man, newspaper articles on the Internet! The future is super awesome!" And you're totally right. The future IS super awesome. But here's what my problem is: on a regular basis, for some bizarre reason, the Cartoons section just doesn't get uploaded with the rest of the paper. Sometimes it doesn't even get uploaded at all. For example, as I type these words, it is 5:54 p.m. on Monday, and last week's Cartoons section isn't on the Web site. Everything else is online, but not the Cartoons section. Where the hell is it? What gives?

Before I go any further, I need to make something clear: this is not just about my column being on the Internet. This is about all of the Cartoons page contributors getting completely shafted ... people like Nate Min, Matt Hansen and Will Parschalk. I mean, have you read Toad Detective? "Yeah, it's a toad who's a detective, so what?" No, it's a goddamn revelation, that's what it is. And Will Parschalk is one of the finest graphic artists I know. He makes Picasso look like a total douche. Oh, and he also happens to be one of the editors-in-chief of this newspaper. And let's not forget Nate Min. He manages to be funny without using toads, detectives or artistic skills in general. That's pretty damn tough. Where's the respect for these people? Where's the love? We are humorists, not petty swine! I declare shenanigans!

So, we have a problem here. People are putting quality work on the Cartoons page, but it's not getting uploaded to the Web site with the rest of the paper. Why is this happening? Why is the webmaster leaving us off the Internet? After racking my brain for a while, I've come up with a few potential reasons. Let's take a look.

REASON #1: NOBODY USES THE INTERNET, SO WHO CARES?

The other day, I was waiting on line for some coffee, and this guy behind me started snickering audibly. I turned around and asked what was so funny.

"It's that newfangled Internet!" he exclaimed. "What a waste of time!"

"I know!" I replied, twirling my moustache. "Just like that damned aeroplane!"

"It'll never amount to anything! I'll bet my monocle on it!"

"I'll bet my top hat!"

We both had a hearty laugh, then mounted our high wheel bicycles and rode off into the sunset.

REASON #2: NOBODY READS THE CARTOONS SECTION

I guess he's got us there.

REASON #3: THE WEBMASTER IS A DISCIPLE OF SATAN

So here's the bottom line: this mistreatment has gone on for far too long. The Web site serves as a way for News-Letter contributors to reach a wider audience, and the Cartoons page deserves the same right to outside exposure. Our potential readership is being severely limited by this neglect. I'm getting shafted, everyone else who contributes material is getting shafted ... hell, even the editor-in-chief is getting screwed over.

This is really pissing me off, almost as much as when Vanilla Coke got discontinued. Almost. That's pretty damn serious. People who know me can vouch for this.

You see, dear readers, our forefathers founded this great nation on many principles, and one of them was that the News-Letter webmaster seriously needs to upload the Cartoons section along with the rest of the newspaper. If this situation doesn't improve soon, I'm just going to stop writing for this paper. We're frequently being left off the Internet, and it's completely unfair to everyone who puts time and effort into the Cartoons page. As a humorist, it pains me to say it, but this just isn't funny anymore.