Skiing

Last week, for my spring break, I spent a few days skiing in Vermont. Now, I'm sure this isn't the ideal spring break for many of you. Vermont has no tropical beaches (like the Caribbean), no south-of-the-border lawlessness (like Tijuana) and no penguins (like Antarctica). What it DOES have is Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and same-sex civil unions. That sounds like a pretty awesome deal to me (two words: Chubby Hubby), but what makes Vermont really special is the skiing. Of course, you already knew that from the first sentence, unless you decided to read this paragraph backwards.

I don't remember too much from ski school. However, that's probably for the best, because this article is actually about...

SKIING IN GENERAL, WITHOUT THE INACCURACY AND EMOTIONAL COLORATION OF NOSTALGIC RECOLLECTION

PART I: HISTORY

Skiing has been around for a long time. It was invented 5000 years ago by an overweight Swiss mountaineer named Bob Ski. He's dead now.

PART II: TRAIL TYPES

Ski trails are split up into four basic levels of difficulty: Green Circle (easiest), Blue Square (intermediate), Black Diamond (difficult) and Double Black Diamond (I'm trying to end myself).

PART III: SKIING VS. SNOWBOARDING

Ever since the snowboard was popularized by delinquent teenage anarchists, there has been a growing tension between skiers and snowboarders. Skiers complain that snowboarders are reckless and mess up the terrain. Snowboarders complain that skiers steal all their demon teenage marijuana and interfere with their irresponsible teenage fornication. Of course, maybe snowboarders would complain less if they'd actually bothered to go to college.

PART IV: WHY I LIED IN PART I

Do you really care about the history of skiing? It's like 5 thousand years old. I can't even make myself care about what happened this morning.

PART V: TYPES OF SKIING

Downhill skiing: This is the most logical kind of skiing, as it goes downhill. Going uphill would be more difficult, unless you were wearing a jetpack, which would be kind of awesome.

Extreme skiing: This type of skiing is very extreme. It takes place inside a volcano, underwater, or in outer space. Everyone dies.

Cross-country skiing: This involves flatter terrain, which means you have to actually make an effort to keep moving. Understandably, I have never done this.

Night skiing: This is like downhill skiing but with more ghosts.

PART VI: SHOULD I SKI?

If you're like most typical Americans, you've probably thought about skiing at some point. You may have been spraying Easy Cheese down your throat, or making love to your wife, when suddenly you stopped and asked yourself, "Should I ski?" You should definitely ski IF:

- you have a sense of adventure

- you have skis

- you are on the top of a mountain and there is snow on the mountain and there is no other way down

- you have accidentally been enrolled in the U.S. Olympic Ski Team

- you're dating retired world champion skier Picabo Street and she won't even kiss with tongue until you learn how to ski

- you're Jack Bauer and the terrorists are going to detonate a suitcase nuke in downtown Los Angeles unless you ski every run at Whistler Blackcomb

- you're bored and out of alcohol

PART VII: CONCLUSION, WITH YET ANOTHER WEAK ATTEMPT AT PROFUNDITY

In the end, whether or not we choose to ski, we are all skiers. We all have a mountain to descend, with our own personal double black diamonds of insecurity and self-doubt. We are all wearing winter coats of denial and the thermal underwear of repression. We are all riding on the high-speed quad chairlift of youthful idealism. We are all wearing helmets to protect our heads from the trees of misfortune, which are made of fear-wood and hate-bark. Maybe we're wearing trendy pants, maybe not. The point is, we're on this mountain together, so get out of my goddamn way or you're gonna get a mouthful of regret-snow.

Matt Diamond does not support Easy Cheese abuse and can be contacted at mdiamond@jhu.edu.