Dr. Love wants you to `fix the TV'
T
he United States of America has a lot of love. Coincidentally, it also has a lot of doctors. But one has to wonder: how many of these doctors are professionally certified to treat love? And conversely, how much love are these doctors actually getting? How "significant" are their significant others? On a Significance Scale of zero to 10, with 10 being "Very Significant" and zero being "She Always Has a Headache," how would these doctors score? My guess is that they would score poorly, and that their preferred drink is scotch. Of course, for all these problems with doctor-love synergy, we can still rest easy knowing that one doctor is there to solve all our love-related quandaries. This doctor happens to be Doctor Love. And this happens to be another edition of . . .
ASK DR. LOVE
Dear Dr. Love,
So I'm at a baseball game with my buddies, right? And Bobby's sitting next to me, he's just shoving hot dogs in his mouth like he's some sort of trash compactor. It's really disgusting, like hella gross. So anyway, Mickey Mantle gets on second base... did I mention we were in a time machine, by the way? Well, we were in a time machine. So Mantle's on second, and then Bobby turns to me with this grin on his face, and he's like, "Second base! That's like where I got with your mom!" And I'm like, "Bobby, you've never met my mother; your claims are dubious at best."
Then Bobby punched me in the face, which he does a lot. Anyway, here's my question: what the hell is "second base"?
-- Jimmy T.
Dear Jimmy,
Thanks for writing in. Your friend Bobby was most likely referring to the Base System, an informal method of describing one's sexual exploits via a clever sports analogy. Base Systems are actually an area of special interest for me; I wrote my doctoral thesis on them ("Cross-Cultural Base Systems: A Comparative Analysis"). Many Americans are only familiar with the American Base System, which is outlined as follows:
First base: French kissing (known in France as "totally normal kissing")
Second base: Fondling/groping
Third base: Hands in magic places
Home run: Doing it! For real!
However, while this is a very common Base System, it is certainly not the only one in existence. For the sake of comparison, let's examine the equally popular European Base System:
First base: Having sex
Second base: Sports car
Third base: Being effortlessly attractive
Home run: Another sports car, some cigarettes, whatever
From what you described, it seems that your friend Bobby was insinuating that he groped your mother. Perhaps you should think twice the next time he asks to go back in time with you.
Dear Dr. Love,
The other night, this girl invited me over to her place to watch Saving Private Ryan. Of course, I'm thinking, "Awesome, I've always wanted to see this film." So we start watching it, and everything's going fine. Then suddenly, after Vin Diesel gets sniped by that guy in the clock tower, this girl turns and starts trying to make out with me! I'm like "Hey, whoa, what? I'm trying to watch a movie here!" Then she kicked me out of her apartment. I didn't even get to find out what happened to Private Ryan! What's this girl's problem?
-- Mike B.
Dear Mike,
Thanks for the letter. There's actually nothing wrong with this girl, aside from her erotic fixation with World War II. What we have here is a simple case of misunderstanding "The Code." You see, the Code is a way for men and women to convey their intentions in a very subtle manner. One person will invite the other person over for a certain reason, but the real reason is usually quite different. To avoid any future mix-ups, here's a quick overview of some key translations:
Watch a movie: make out.
Have coffee: sex (for further commentary, see Seinfeld)
Have tea: sex.
Have soda: sex
Have diet soda: hand job
Fix the television: porn star sex
Euthanize the dog: oral sex
Install a carbon monoxide
detector: anal sex
Help me move my ailing grandmother to a nursing home: 69
Have sex: marriage
Matt Diamond wants you to "do his laundry" and "clean the entire apartment," know what I mean? He can be contacted at mdiamond@jhu.edu.
