Dear Jess,
Why oh why do I keep having sex with my ex-girlfriend, despite all logic to the contrary?
-- Anonymous
Because we all do it. If everyone at Hopkins had a condom for each time the phrase, "Yeah, we hooked up again" was sheepishly confessed to, we'd be a much safer campus.
So why do we do it? As `Anonymous' said, there's no logical explanation for going back to someone who you already decided you didn't want in your life romantically. First, it's a proximity issue. If you've dated, you will see them around. If you crossed paths enough to start dating, unless one of you makes the effort to change their routines, classes and watering holes, you're both going to see each other pretty often.
The first thing to remember with ex-ing (oh yes, it's a verb now) is that you broke up with someone for emotional, not physical, reasons. They're still going to be attractive and it's easy to forget the little things that bothered you. Suddenly the urge to "still be friends" or "reconnect" seems like a really good idea.
Ex-ing, as most of us have figured out by the second or third (or tenth) go at it, can be anything from fun and uncomplicated to somewhat traumatic. Depending on individual experiences, there are two very entrenched camps on the "to ex or not to ex" debate - although they all have done it and will again. Where you are on the spectrum is generally influenced by the availability of other people to hook up with and the presence of alcohol.
Those who support ex-sex in general have a couple of things in common. They know the rules. Often they have had good break-ups, have spent time apart (maybe had another relationship or two under their belts) and are truly not interested in anything else but the sex - and they actually mean that. Really.
Sex with an ex that you like is comfortable, and if you need someone to try something new, an ex is a perfect partner. A lot of people also see it as a great way to release some tension and keep up practicing between relationships.
But there is a reason this person is still your ex. If you ever begin to forget that, the sex is off and the number should be removed from your phone. If one of you is into the other and the feelings aren't returned, there will not be any such thing as no-strings-attached uncomplicated sex. Repeat this as many times as necessary: "We broke up because [insert reason here]."
Although we all ignore most common sense when exes are in the picture, here are some good guidelines to know when absolutely not to go back:
1) If you still refer to your ex as an unprintable expletive, you should not go back no matter how good the sex was or you think will be.
2) You shouldn't go back unless you are completely over him/her - and your friends will attest to it (yes, they are more objective than you are.)
3) If you think that this will be "closure."
4) If you are in a new relationship but not that happy -- cheating will not fix anything.
