Apparently my column last week wasn't very popular among my female readership. I got called out by some girls for even touching the subject of faking orgasms while guys told me that they appreciated the column (their girlfriends, of course, never faked one).
I had, nevertheless, left out the most important part: how the hell to do it right so a girl doesn't need to pretend she's enjoying herself.
In my defense, I only get about 1,000 words -- people write books about this stuff and still don't get it right, so I'll let space be my scapegoat for last week.
The question of how a guy can make sure a girl doesn't need to fake it is complex.
To put it another way: How can more guys be like my friend's boyfriend from last week, whose biggest concern was if her 15-second orgasms are real or exaggerated.
I feel like this article shouldn't have to be written, but here it is, the earth shattering advice that will make your next-door neighbors call in a with a noise complaint. Take ... your ... time. (Please pause as the mountains fall into the sea.)
I know at some point everyone reaches the "If I don't have sex now I may internally combust" mark. It will take guys all of a minute to get there at any given time while it takes the average girl a good 25 minutes to get up to full speed.
This means there are a lot of possibilities to be creative with while waiting for the other partner to get all warmed up. One possibility is to remember back to high school when half the fun of a hook-up was the anticipation.
I don't usually write personal anecdotes like this here, but a recent hook-up might have been one of the better hook-ups I've had at Hopkins.
It was great not because of any one specific thing that happened but because we went about things in a way I haven't for a very long time.
Essentially the whole first part of the night was one long make-out session and tease. People skip the kissing a lot of the time, especially when they're getting greedy. They don't realize that making out is a pretty direct line to a girl's pants.
Those overbearing mothers were right, after all: Most bad, fun things worth doing start with a kiss.
I'll admit my date and I were that annoying couple making out everywhere we could, but stumbling to find the darker corners of the dance floor or a couch that wasn't in the middle of the room was half the fun and just added to the anticipation.
Kissing, if not done right, can be a deal breaker, though. I've written about a few otherreasons to call it an early night (you know, a partner with jail time, or someone who's a generally horrible person) but being a bad kisser will trump them all, without a doubt.
After you guys have taken your time -- annoyingly made out in public, rubbed a leg under the table or whispered things you want to do later to someone while in a crowd with no escape in sight -- it will eventually come time to follow through.
There are more places to touch, lick and any other verb you can find on a pair of dirty dice than those covered by a G-string. That small area is the last place to go.
A somewhat frustrated friend estimated that 50 percent of males at Hopkins don't know where the clit is. But the good part is that since a lot of girls don't want much direct contact there anyway, their ignorance might not be totally wasted.
Foreplay is also the time to bring the non-threatening moves into play. Interested in bondage but not sure if she'll go for it? Just hold her hand above her head, and don't let her touch you.
Move from her earlobes down her neck, sides, arms, thighs, the back of her knees -- you get the idea.
Also, try different pressures on different body parts to see which one she responds to best. Notice also that a girl's boobs are not on this list.
Like most guys who feel lukewarm about people playing with their nipples, so are girls. I know boobs are fascinating.
OK, so I don't really get it, but I'll accept it. Each girl feels differently about them, so don't take it for granted that they're going to be ground central for action.
Foreplay all over the body is tricky because girls have thinner skin. This is true not just for sappy movies but in general, we're more sensitive to the touch.
A lighter touch goes a long way. Also a word for the ticklish among us: It's one thing to touch and kiss her in a way that'll move things along and another to tickle her to the point of distraction.
Be attentive to see if she's happy with what you're doing or trying to hold back from laughing.
Finally, if you're still making it a high-school night, remember dry humping.
There is no better way to build sexual frustration than being so close with just a few layers of material between you.
Do it in whatever position you want, but the body contact will be enough to cut that 25 minutes down -- a lot.
Also, while jeans manufacturers didn't intend this, use the seam that runs along the length of the leg for all it's worth.
Once you're at this point, foreplay ends and you're at the next stage of play where finding the clit and G-spot will be necessary -- among other things.
At this point, if a guy has taken his time, he'll probably already be in her record book.
Good foreplay will lube the rest of the night for an easier time and will help any couple (for a night or the long term) hit that 15-second mark.
