To get something as children, we were always told to ask nicely. Generally we used the words "please" and "thank you." But as we grow up, sometimes it seems as if those basic phrases can fail us.
We all cognitively know you need to ask for things in bed, we're just not mind readers. But when it comes to asking about sexual things, most people picture "put your (noun) in my (adjective) (noun)," and rule out any form of polite asking right away. Although the porn dialogue can be entertaining, there's a world of games and phrases between please and thank you and sounding like a 1-900 operator. Here's to working on finding somewhere in between.
To start with, try not speaking. Although you're trying to get across what you want and get a feeling for how your partner is doing, asking straight out can sometimes seem a bit too much like taking a medical history. Think of some of the hotter blockbuster sex scenes you've seen - a lot of moaning and breathing.
Those sounds are so basic, but work so well - think communication without the upper-level brain function. I promise once you get used to just making some basic noise, getting words and (gasp) even phrases out will seem a lot easier.
After you get over your fear of sounds, then next step is to say stuff that sounds right to you. Porn dialogue is funny because it's not realistic - kind of like the breast implants. You have to say what you're thinking and what is going to feel good for both of you.
Try this: when you're in the right mood and alone, think of what you would like to be happening, and write it down. Describe what you are feeling, where you are, where your partner is - anything, even the temperature in the room, can be important if you want it to be.
Once you've seen the words, begin to say them. When you're having your own "personal time," describe out loud what you're feeling - really whatever comes to mind: your body, someone else's, what the bed or shower feels like, fantasies, smells, whatever. Or, if noises are the only thing you can muster, go for it. Although I loathe to use the phrase, think stream-of-consciousness-style. For the JV team, you only need to keep this up for a few minutes at a time. Really, the point is not to stop talking - and relax, it doesn't have to be eloquent.
If you're pleading that you're an engineer and/or just not creative enough for the above scenario, trying picking up some erotic books (mainly for girls, but there's stuff for everyone). Think Anais Nin or Anne Rice - both sold at Barnes & Nobles without shrink wrap or ID required - to get some ideas flowing.
Generally, I don't believe someone who says that they can't think of anything. It might make us uncomfortable, but that discomfort will never go away - and the sex will never get better if you keep wimping out.
Next, there's a misconception out there that talking in bed is like popping a Viagra - that once you start, you're going all night long. When said while naked and in the right tone, pretty much anything will sound good. "What's next?" or "I love when you do that" can be as hot as "Lick my [noun]." The key is to keep your voice low - not Deep Throat low - and keep it slow; make every word deliberate.
Finally, don't fall back on the Boogie Nights phrases - make whatever you say your own. You might have to start generic to get comfortable but one way to connect is to develop your own way as a couple for saying things. Maybe you're not down for saying you want to try a "Dirty Sanchez," but try making up personal names or making one or two positions "your favorite thing."
Things as simple as saying "my turn" could mean you're going cowgirl or doggie style. The difference between a well-delivered line in bed and an amateur's try is what you put into it.
This is all well and good in theory, but someone who has issues with this stuff might not get over it in a night. Try some of the following exercises to get your juices flowing (sorry if this adds to your burgeoning workload).
Try writing down any verbs (those would be the action words) that you can think of that can be used in a sexual manner. You're a college student; I have faith that everyone reading this can do it. This can be a buddy or solo exercise. For my part, I'll throw in "play," "rub," "squeeze," and "grab." Those may be harmless by themselves, but try getting at least 20 more - consult the dictionary if you must, but extra points for thinking of words that can't be found there.
Now, say those words out loud, and play with them - change your intensity, speed, etc. Like the notorious "penis game," start quietly and build up. Pick a few that really sound good to use and try to get comfortable with them.
Next, move on to adjectives. Words like "firm," "naked," "hungry," and "slippery" are all fair game. At this point, the thesaurus is off limits - be creative. Once you have your list, play around with the words until you feel like it could be part of a conversation. If you need to, do the same thing with nouns.
Finally, make (or buy) a "Dirty Mad Libs." Try making 10 to 20 sentences with your new nouns, verbs, and adjectives. Write them down and say them out loud - the more ridiculous, the better. Once you're comfortable enough to say them, and laugh at them, you should be set.
If you begin doing this alone, it's more fun (and good practice) to add another person into the mix. Not only are two brains better than one, but hearing someone else put those words together will let you hear how incredibly good they sound.
Once you're ready, there are dozens of other games to play, and they might just give you a new appreciation for "please" and "thank you" after all.
