My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. Our sex life is pretty good (I am ALWAYS satisfied), but I keep feeling like she's missing out. I can tell she enjoys herself when we are in bed (and she repeatedly reminds me of that fact), but I still feel inadequate because my girlfriend claims she can't have an orgasm. I recently discovered that she has achieved one by masturbating. She says she has difficulty letting herself go completely when she is with a partner. I guess my question is: is there any surefire trick to get my girl to come? I feel like that's the last thing missing from our sex life.
In the last 'G' Spot, I addressed the problem of feeling comfortable with our sexuality in the greater context of our society and our culture. But this week, I will turn to more concrete levels in which men and women have a hard time dealing with that rare beast, the female orgasm.
The bewildered boyfriend who sent me the above e-mail already has most of the pieces of his puzzle, he just has to learn how to put them all together. He's off to a good start in making his girlfriend come: he sounds like he's concerned about his girlfriend's pleasure and he really wants to understand how to help her feel good. I'll just assume that this chap already understands the hefty weight of culture that could be holding down his girlfriend's moans of ecstasy. I will also assume that he doesn't quite have a good handle on the mechanics of a woman's genitalia.
Firstly, Mr. Boyfriend, when manipulating a girl's sweet spots, there are no tricks, let alone one "surefire trick." Every woman is different in what she likes -- different strokes to be conducted with varying degrees of pressure and intensity in exactly one spot specific to her or in every spot imaginable. There's no way around this but to ask (or imply from moans) what your particular partner wants. And to know enough about our secret gardens to navigate through the directions she gives you.
Now, for my brief anatomy lesson. Boys, read carefully. Ladies, find yourself a mirror and squat over it (I know, cheesy, but you should really do it if you haven't before -- you'll be amazed). Starting from the bottom of the "happy trail" and traveling downward, the first thing you see is the mons: it's pretty much just the pubic hair and a lump of fatty skin right over your pubis.
Continuing down both sides from the mons and actually between the legs are the outer labia: these, too, often have hair. Between the top of the outer labia is the clitoris, that much vaunted and often missed or mishandled little sex organ. The clitoris itself, unless aroused, is usually hidden under a hood of skin, which is formed by the meeting of the inner labia.
The inner labia both hide the clitoris and the vestibule, that really tender spot beneath the clitoris and above the urethra, and guard the entrance to the vagina itself. As for this column's namesake, about two inches inside the vagina on the upper wall (the one nearer the stomach) is the g-spot.
Now that we all know which pieces are what, I'll tell you those most important, oft overlooked details of manipulation. If you want very specific instructions, I suggest you just surf the Web for instructions on masturbation or cunnilingus. I promise you'll find copious amounts of information. I'll just stick to the basics here. The closer toward the clitoris and vestibule you go, the more sensitive things will get. Be very gentle with the clitoris -- most women don't even like direct contact with our little clitorises and prefer the hood be stimulated instead. Anytime two stimulations can be employed, please do: a few fingers on the g-spot coupled with gentle clit teasing will send almost any woman into fits of pleasure.
In the actual act of sex, I recommend my personal favorite position. Here's how it goes: just like the missionary position, the man is on top, but he shifts his body up a couple inches, and the woman closes her legs a little. Now everything is set for his pelvis to bump against her clitoris and cause all kinds of delicious friction--for both partners.
Also a good way to get off during intercourse is to put the woman on top. Most women have a very hard time, if they don't find it impossible, orgasming through vaginal stimulation alone. But if the woman is on top, both partners are free to tease the clit as they're knocking boots. Clitoral stimulation is really the route to the big "O' for women, so don't count on a good screw alone to get the girl off.
Now that we all understand better what the minutiae of the love cup are and how those pink parts work, we can address the biggest, and unfortunately probably hardest, obstacle to coming for women: being comfortable with their partners. Which reminds me, gentlemen, of just one more reason to use a condom. Your lady love will be much more comfortable knowing she's not going to get pregnant or, even worse, catch some nasty virus. And for extra loving points, I recommend you get yourself tested regularly. Now Mr. Boyfriend, your girlfriend said it best when she told you she just can't let go when she's with someone else. But this is certainly fixable.
What I suggest is a "get to know you" session between your body and your girlfriend's. Set aside a couple hours when you don't have anything else to think about, then close the blinds and get naked--make sure you leave the lights on, too. Say to each other that you're going to explore, just figure out what you like to do to each other and have done to you. Don't put any pressure on yourselves to reach orgasm; the goal of this activity is learning about each other and getting more comfortable with each other. Trust me, you'll have a lot of fun. And maybe some lucky girl will come away with a lucky little paroxysm of pleasure.
The crux of orgasm is this: if we're not comfortable, we won't get off. It's pretty easy to make ourselves more comfortable by opening up communication lines between partners and getting a good grasp on our genitals. Now that I've discussed how to please a woman and why we women feel uncomfortable about our roles as sexual beings in this western culture of ours, I leave it to you to spread the word of comfort in sexuality and delight in these days of our sexual zeniths.
Editors' Note: In this weekly column, Sarah Gibson will discuss her own experiences and answer sexual queries on any topic. To send questions anonymously to the columnist, go to http://www.jhunewsletter.com and click "Contact Us." Or you can write to sex@jhunewsletter.com.
The columnist is not a trained medical professional. If you require professional medical advice, please consult a physician.
