So, it's come to this: the final Cock Block the world will ever see. As much as I'd like to, I can't imagine that this column will be terribly missed. What is this, the sixth edition of it? Maybe not even that many. But one thing's for certain: It's probably been a waste of time for all parties involved.
Don't get me wrong; I've loved writing on a semi-weekly basis, filling precious paper space with meaningless drivel. After all, isn't that what trees are for?
But as all of you read this -- all five of you, that is -- you may be saying: but Jeremy! I love the Cock Block! Well, there is a reason there are only five of you.
Have you noticed yet how many carriage returns I've used so far?
How about now?
Okay, one last time -- for effect!!!
Well friends, that's the sign of someone who doesn't know what to say. I wish I could say I'm speechless because of the enormous outpouring of support, the endless letters wishing that The Cock Block could continue. In fact, I wish it could be exactly like in Miracle on 34th. Street, when the postal employees come into the courthouse and dump all the mail for Santa Claus on the table, and it's all delivered to the old man with the beard and he goes free and everybody is happy. Yes, exactly like that. I wish I had to console all of you, saying that yes, there is a heaven for "Cock Blocks" as well, and that's where this one is going. Kind of like doggy heaven.
But no, friends, that's not the case. I'm not sure if anyone reads this space -- they probably don't. After all, would you? Well, if you read that last sentence, then apparently the answer is yes. But it shouldn't be. The answer should be a resounding, "No, I don't read that garbage! And stop asking me for my phone number!"
Looking back on the past few weeks, the only thing I can say with absolute certainty is that some day, somebody will run a Google search for the phrase "cock block," and if they skip ahead to results page # 109, they might stumble upon this space. And then I will be forever disgraced. Curse the founder of the Internet! Curse you, Al Gore!
Actually, I just ran such a Google search myself, and now I know what "cock block" really means. My goodness, how depraved! How could I?
I blame it all on my co-editor, one Charbel Barakat. HAH! Take that Charbel. Now your name will live in infamy as well, and one day when you run for public office, this column will be there mocking you, thwarting your every attempt at respectability. And it would be thwarting my every attempt as well, except I don't care much for such frivolities.
And now, for a brief interlude.
"We live in a society of laws! Don't you listen to anything that guy in church says? Captain what's-his-name? Why do you think I took in all those Police Academy movies? For FUN?! Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did YOU?! Except for at that guy that made sound effects. Hee hee! Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze."
And we're back. Hey, I just saved my progress, and the name of the file is "Final Cock Block.doc." Does anybody else think it's funny that that rhymes?
Well, getting back to the point here, maybe my favorite part of the year was when, after sleeping an entire hour and a half in the hut, I trekked over to the Gatehouse at seven in the morning through the blistering cold to hammer out a 900 word Cock Block on cheating. It was perhaps the best experience of my life, and in many ways, the result was a brilliant masterpiece. But in even more ways, it wasn't.
Hey, want to hear something neat about The News-Letter? The editors-in-chief are really bloodsucking vampires. And I don't mean the HopSFA kind!
Speaking of HopSFA, aren't they funny? Their Web site says, "HopSFA's Web site is currently under construction. Please bear with us. :)" Hahah, quite.
If anyone truly is worried about the disappearance of this column, then you can always turn over to the Opinions section of the paper, where I write on important things. Educate yourselves.
Well, I think I've made it to my word requirement. So, let us recap. The Cock Block: a waste of everybody's time. People who read The Cock Block: foolish. Me: done.
