Who among us has not pondered purchasing something from an infomercial? Probably a lot, but nonetheless a well-executed late night infomercial can be both entertaining and thought provoking. When I am up late, watching these paid programs, I am forced to wonder, how much was that person's dignity worth to them, and do they still receive royalties for mortgaging it?
It's difficult not to wonder what type of people are behind products that are marketed exclusively on television. I henceforth turned to the most immediately recognizable brand name: As Seen on TV. (Boy, I bet you didn't see that one coming).
According to their Web site (http://www.asseenontv.com), As Seen on TV is "devoted to deliver[ing] to their customers the highest standard of customer services that is available at all times." They apparently are not quite as devoted to providing us with grammatically correct sentences.
The webmaster for their site needs to be given a good lesson on split infinitives. Beyond that, even if I were one of their customers, I'm not sure what I would do with a good standard of customer service. The customer service itself would probably be far more useful.
But I digress. Perhaps the most famous item you can purchase from As Seen on TV is the George Foreman Grill. Depending on the model you choose, this will run you anywhere from $59.99 to $129.99.
According to most accounts I have heard, the George Foreman Grill actually does work very well and is a reasonable investment for those of you who are too goddamned lazy to make a real, incredible and damn good meal.
Still, the fact that the George Foreman Grill is nearly the only immediately recognizable infomercial product (not counting Cleo's psychic readings) is a telling sign that there's simply not that much of value out there. The acclaim that the former champ's grill receives is actually an implicit statement against all other infomercial merchandise.
Ask anyone who called the 1-800 number and bought the grill, and you will be left with the distinct impression that that person's thoughts run somewhat along these lines: "Yeah, actually, I did buy it, and despite what you might think based on all the other piece of shit infomercial products out there, it actually works."
As Seen on TV is much more than the George Foreman Grill, however. From personal fitness products that can't possibly work (I can't wait for the AB-DOer to do me) to chemical tanners (by the way, people can probably guess how you got your tan in Baltimore in the middle of February), there's no end to the ways you can communicate to other people that you are a sucker.
As I browse their Web site, I'm forced to wonder what actual fishing enthusiast would buy his or her bait from As Seen on TV. Then there's always the question of why these things are only available through your television in the first place. Intuitively, it's because it's simply less of a hassle to deal with irate customers over a telephone than it is to deal with them in person.
Have you ever worked at a job where you had to deal with customer service? Probably the most difficult part about it is feigning interest in their problems. Well, over the phone you don't need to. Don't care how angry someone else is with the shoddy product they just paid $19.95 in three easy installments for? That's fine, because scream as much as they might, they're still a long way away from you, and they really can't do anything about it.
Infomercial products are complete garbage. The only thing redeeming about them are the entertaining sales pitches that invariably accompany them. If you were worried when you opened up this section of the News-Letter that you would find you were wrong all this time about infomercial products, and discover that they actually are worthwhile, then rest assured that you never had any reason to be concerned at all, you foolish, foolish person.
